Wednesday, December 31, 2008

end of year

By most accounts 2008 will go down as a crappy one.
The low points.
I was drinking and hiding from myself for 3/4 of it and i only got worse. My wife wants a divorce one month after being sober. I like my job but i could be doing something else. Day care is f-ing expensive and all of my bills. I will have to get a second job to afford the house.

The high points.
Been sober 99 days and i love it, wish i would of done it back in the summer of 07. My new support system is amazing. The main focus of my life turned three. I found me again and i never want to lose that. The hope in me for all things has come back. I want to see the world i missed in a bottle. I love blogging and all of you out there i hope to meet more of you.

For 2009.

I just hope things will work out between us and if not i can handle it. I hope my son stays healthy and happy. I know i won't drink. Staying in AA is a life long goal. I guess i hope 2009 can only be better because my life can't get any worse.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

98 days

Things that make me happy

!. Finding me
2. My son's laugh
3. Working out
4. My home group
5. My friends
6. 98 days of my new life
7. The 25 pounds i have lost
8. Being proud of me for my new life choice
9. Music
10. Blogging
11. The unknown future
12. Her

Sunday, December 28, 2008

96 days

Well the guys took me out for a night on the town. The bars and all the games never change just the players do. I have never really liked going to bars to talk to girls it's to loud and way to many people. Everyone is all made up to be at there best to impress who ever, all the fake crap that goes along with it. Don't get me wrong the eye candy is nice to look at but it's just not me. Give me a good house party or a cook out where people are more relaxed them self any day. I talked to some girls, just some good conversation not wanting any more then that. It was nice for a few hours to not think about anything but to watch everyone. I'm a people watcher and all the people try to put there best foot forward and make that first impression. The girls dressed in there Saturday nights best to show off what ever they think is there best assets. The guys getting all the liquid courage they can muster without getting to much and making an ass out of there self's. And doing all of this sober was a people watchers dream and it was very funny. Some of my friends had to much to drink and to watch the unhappily marred guy flirting and dancing with girls. Making up stories about him to be more of a catch to the women. The games is what i can't get into about the bars i tell thing how i see them and don't really lie. Life is so much easier to keep track of if you don't make up crap. Just be yourself is what i want to teach our son, i know that is kind of a double standard coming from me. i hide in a bottle for 20 years not wanting to face me. I have learned from quiting drinking that I'm a good man with a lot of great qualities, why did i ever hide them. I do have a new found love for life i want to try to see all of the stuff i have been to afraid to see. The only way a turtle can move forward is to put his neck out there. I have so many new little life phrases like that one and what ever happen i can handle it and one day at a time. One hundred days is coming up that is the day after new years. Wow January 1st i will be in the triple digits, the pride that just hit me is awesome still feels new to have pride in me. But i can handle it.

I will always have pride in myself for staying sober and that is something i never want to lose again. I still hope for the best for all that i love and that includes her. I have been told I'm being way to nice and handling this way to well for someone who is getting divorced. I don't hate her i just want what is best for are son and if we stay positive with each other he will grow up with that message. I love being sober and not hiding anymore to put myself out there is a good thing.

Friday, December 26, 2008

the day after x-mas 94 days

What a different x-mas, it was so nice to have this Holiday. To not wake up in any fog from the night before. To not worry about what i did say the night before.

On the 24Th it was my day to have our son so i went over there at about 12:30. She had just put our son down for his nap we talked about a lot of stuff. We tried to just enjoy are self and the moment of being together. The first plan was she was going to stay the night and do Christmas in the morning. That plan changed when i arrived she said she was going to go over to her friends house for the night. I said that she didn't have to be alone for the night. I know how hard it is to be alone on a Holiday i did it on thanksgiving and it sucked. She left at 3:30 and said she would be over at 8:00 the next morning. My son and i had a great night he played extra long in the bath while i cleaned the bathroom. Then i was getting ready to put him down for the night and she called crying. She said she thought it was going to be easy to be alone for the night. She didn't want to be alone, i told her to come home. I keep our son up until she arrived and she said goodnight to him then i put him down for the night. We put out the Santa gifts and just talked for awhile then she came over to me and started to kiss me. I had to stop i didn't know what to do this is what i want and here it is in my lap. She stopped after i hesitated and i lost the internal tug of war inside me and went in for the kiss. That night it was so great to fall a sleep with her in my arms. I know nothing has probably changed but for one night it was everything i wanted and needed.

The next day we opened presents and her dad came up for brunch. We opened more gifts then put our son down for a nap. Instead of talking about everything we watched a movie and just hung out. We played with our son and hugged while she made dinner when she told me it all really comes down to. She doesn't want to get hurt by me and that she is not sure i will stay sober. I told her trust in each other would come with time. Why don't we just start by dating first and see where it goes. She stayed Christmas night also and we fell asleep in each others arms again. Then it was morning and back to reality i left because it is her weekend with our son. I don't know what to think maybe it was just a nice break from all of the divorce talk.

I am still full of hope for all that i love . I want nothing for the best for me and our son. I still think i need to keep moving forward and get back out in the world but still hope for the best.

Monday, December 22, 2008

3x30= 90 days

I can't believe i made three months. I'm so proud of myself this is great. I want to thank all of you who support me and this blog. To all my friends in AA and at work and of course my friends i had before i choose this new life for me. I wish it was under better circumstances but so it goes. What ever happens i can handle it and stay true to myself and be sober. I have not felt this good about myself for such a long time. I'm still a little nerves about being to confident but i am on the right path for me and my son. I do love me again and that's all i can ask for. That 3 doors down song "Let me be myself" is such a inspiration to me. I first started to like the song for everything i was going through with her. Then i was listening to it and walking around my house. There is a mirror by are front door and i was singing to myself and looking in it. Then it hit me that song is not about her and me. It is about me and what my drinking has done to me and how i lost myself. If you don't know it there is a great acoustic version on youtube, you can give it a listen. Then think about what i just said about all we have lost to the bottle. I know i sound like I'm preaching to you and yes it bothers me to pimp the way i see that song. But the ways it inspires me is amazing i listen to it every morning.

I'm full of hope for me and the future with my son. I still hope for the best for all i love and that will never change. I just have so much hope and i love it.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Sunday day 89

What a up and down day i have had. I still feel so good about everything but i was cleaning the house. I would be in a room and a good memory would rush into my head and then the hurt of all of this. I need to move on she is, what is it about being dumped that is so hard to deal with. I would push the memory out of my head and things would get better then another one would hit me out of the blue. And my head would spin out of control. I feel it is just my mind telling me this marriage wasn't that bad. And a lot of good did happen but so did the bad. I'm still OK with this being over but these good memories still hurt. I know it's part of moving on but damn i want it to stop. I still want what the heart wants but the brain is finally moving on.

It is over.

I still hope for nothing but the best for all that i love. I'm looking forward to the unknown future of my life. I will be the best me because i am not drinking and i can live with that.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

88 days

Well my friend Kevin came over to look at our house today. He says the updates look really good but i need to redo the main bathroom before we put it on the market. She still wants me to have the house and keep it for me and my son. Without lowering the payment there is no way i can afford it. She said lets go talk to the bank after the first of the year and see what we can do. We talked a lot about what we would of wanted if this would have worked out. We both want the same thing in a relationship to each have are own life's but to have a partner to do the same. There is just not enough trust in her for me to make this work. I can't blame her if i was still drinking it was nothing but empty promises. I have not made a single promise to her through this whole what ever. She said she is still on the fence and on one side is me and the other is all the fear and hurt i have caused. The fear and hurt has won and i accept that. I don't want to have any relationship with anyone like i had with her ever again. I don't want to hurt people or be that drunk a-hole anymore. This is my choice for the rest of my life and I'm proud of me. I haven't had that in a long time that pride. I still want the best for her and for everything she does but i am now on my own and it feels so good. I want to dream again and have fun with life. I want to do all the thing i have missed out on hiding in a bottle go hiking, camping, explore this world and travel. I want to meet new people and laugh again. I want to do all of this sober and to finally be the real me who is a kind, big hearted man. Who is not afraid of his feeling and doesn't mind to show them for better or worse.

I will always have hope for all that i love. I will always be there for my son. I will be the support she needs when she asks for it. I guess i just want to be the true person that i am.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

86 days

I'm so ready to get out in the world and start to explore my new found freedom. I just want to go out and have fun do what ever comes up. Yes that still means not drinking, there is so much i have missed out on. Like just keeping up with my friends, i don't know why but i want to take a pottery class. For some reason that sounds like a kick in the pants to do something so new and out of the norm. It feels so good to have myself back. The confidants is all the way back and so is the swagger. It still makes me a little nerves but what ever happens i can handle it. Handel it the right way they say there are three things in life that are the most stressful. 1. death of a loved on. 2. divorce well already working on that one. 3. selling a house and that starts this weekend. A friend of mine in AA is that line of work and he is going to handle the selling part. I'm just afraid we are going to lose are ass on the house. The house is the 2ND to last bond between me and her and i am looking forward to get it over with. To start fresh and close this chapter on my life with her. What sucks is i have put a lot of work into this house updating and improving it. The only room left to update is the main bathroom. The cats have done a number on the carpet. It will feel so weird to move out of the life we started and the family we started here. But all things come to an end she has told her friends that she has filled. That is another lie she is spreading we have not done that yet. She wants us to do that together and I'm not going to do that part with her. She wants to leave she can start the process not me. It kind of feels like a last stand i have. I'm so ready to get out and mingle with new people not to hook up just to make new friends and move on. My first priority is the well being of our son and my sobriety. Anything after that is just life taking it's course. I have said i feel like I'm rowing a boat across a pond. Now i am starting to go down a new river of the unexpected. I really don't care where it takes me just as long as my son is with me.

I am still full of hope and desire to be the best me possible. Sober is the only way to do it right, i truly feel that way. So this is where my life is heading 36 divorced with a kid. I know I'm not the only one in this same river but i do feel alone in my boat. So it goes I'm ready for this new test.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

84 days

Why is it so hard to move on. She is done and moving on with her life she has already met someone she is interested in. I feel that this has been the problem the whole time and i knew that there was something she wasn't telling me. She didn't want me to know she didn't want to hurt me. WELL I'M ALREADY F-ING HURT. NOW I HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT AND MOVE ON. I wish it was that easy i have to deal with the pain of it. It would be so easy to go down the old road of drinking but that's not what i want. I have made a life choice for me and my son to be a better man. The sledgehammer feeling in my chest is back the wind feels knocked out of me again. I don't want to be married to a liar and i know she has been telling her friends stories about me. That does really hurt but it justifies her to them for leaving me.

Oh well my life will get better it just hurts like hell right now.

I still hope for the best for me and my son

Sunday, December 14, 2008

82 days

Well i had my work x-mas party last night. Last year i went with my wife and we had a good time. This year talk about polar opposites the party was held in the same place and i could feel her everywhere. The flood of memories was hard but my new found respect and love for my coworkers and support from them was awesome. The support from different people who i only somewhat know is uplifting the way they can help and not even know it. I'm starting to learn that reaching out is not as hard as i thought it was. It takes a strong man to ask for help I'm learning that through AA and from my friends. I have hope in people again something i never really had because it usually meant that i would be let down. To put yourself out on that ledge is hard and yet rewarding. Sometimes the risk does out weigh the gains. What do you really risk any way, if someone lets you down give them another chance.

My pride has been taking a beating this last couple of months. I hate to quit on anything, but i quit on myself 19-20 years ago when i started drinking. I stopped dreaming setting goals and i have let myself down for so long. It feels good to look forward to the future and try to be a better me every day. I feel that the roller coaster that i am on of emotions and guilt is starting to level out. I need this time to stand on my own and prove to myself that i can handle what ever happens.

I will always have hope that's just who i am.

Friday, December 12, 2008

wow 80 days

I have started the process of moving on. Shadow you are right it has felt so good to start to let go. The not worrying about everything is what feels the best. The not wanting to check in and on her. The feeling of freedom is a wonderful thing and very scary. She was with are son all day and there where 2-3 times i wanted to call. I stopped myself and said if she wanted to talk to me she would call and i left it at that. The rejection of this relationship is whats very hard on me all she wants to do is talk about moving forward with this divorce. The constant reminder of it is nerve racking and annoying. It is what it is, my son is whats important and being a strong male role model and influence. I do feel a lot better then the other day My friends at work are nothing short of amazing. I can't wait for tomorrow to make my first meeting in a while. I need to see those happy smiling people who don't judge because we are all in the same shoes.

I have hope for my future and for my sons. What ever happens i can handle it and stay true to me and my new path.

There is a amazing song by 3 Doors Down that is helping me through this called "let me be myself" all of you should give it a listen

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

78 days

I don't know what to feel anymore. Is this the new life she so desperately wants. To be free and on my own is such a hard thing to think about. I really don't want this to end but it is not my choice. She has made it loud and clear this is what she wants and i hate the choice she has made. I really hate the choice.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

77 days

I am so sick of putting my heart and feelings on the line everyday for her. I know she wants this to be over but the speed of her choice is what is so disturbing. 7 1/2years and the decision made up in less then a month. What kind of cold hearted woman is she changing into. I need to get on board with this and start to move forward, but of course if she called right now and said i want to try again i would be there in a second. I have to start to let it go it is the only way i can move forward. I know that there is so much potential in me and my next relationship by staying sober. I don't want to drink and that is the right decision for me and my son. I'm so mad at her for wanting to do this and the strain it puts on us and our son. What else can i do but be angry with her. I want nothing more for us to remain friends through all of this but it really hurts right now. I need to look out for me and our son that has to be my world now. She has made her choice and that is that so screw her i don't need to wallow in anymore gilt for her. I will be a good catch for someone else i am a good person with a lot to offer someone.

Monday, December 8, 2008

76 days

well off to therapy for probably the last time. She said that she is tired of it and was just doing it for me to see that this is over. I knew that divorce was always possible but i didn't think it would come to that. We have always talked and worked through are issues. I'm changing for the better and she knows that but there is to much hurt for her to deal with or try to deal with. I respect the fact she is following her dreams and head. But we kissed again before she left and then she stopped and said damn it i have to stop doing this. When we are together it still makes sense to be together. We laugh and have fun with each other like we have always done so it is confusing to me. I think if she would let her walls down and start to see that the grass may not be greener on the other side. But that is up to her and i know there is nothing i can do.

I still and always will love her. I don't know if there is anymore hope for this to work out.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

day 75 a new start

Well i was right she didn't want to see me on my b-day. Now i know how much she hates me. I have always tried to make her b-day something fun and nice. I put together two surprise parties her first b-day together with me and her 30Th b-day. I now know that i have no meaning in her life and how much hurt that she has. I just want to scream at the world for this loss of us. How can things have gone so bad in five days we where doing so well. I will always love her and want the best for her. I hate myself for challenging her on Tuesday and the words we said to each other.

My son and i are going to put up the x-mas tree today. That will be fun for him and i know we need to talk to him. To let him know that mommy and daddy are done being friends. I need to try to move forward but the heart wants what the heart wants. She showed yesterday what she wants to be on her own. I respect that she wants to follow her heart and dreams. All i wanted after these days of being sober is to help her with that. She thinks that these are just words and that i will do anything and say anything to hold on to her. But the truth is i do want to help her with her dreams and goals and support her through them and to be there for her. But i wont get that chance to prove it.

I'm a strong, kind, loving man and that's what our son needs. I hope we can still be friends through all of this. I know my world will be always brighter with her in it.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

74 days

Well this is the longest sobriety run i have ever been on. And today is my birthday I'm 36 years old and all alone ever since Thursday night. Happy Birthday i want a divorce. My birthday will always echo that. It feels that my heart has been shredded and pieces are flowing through my blood stream. So i guess the hurt has really set in. Why did i have to challenge her on my feelings even thought it has always been something she has wanted. The only parts of my heart still in place are for my son. At least i have him this weekend. I know i wont see my wife today and that crushes me in the most painful way. It feels like I'm dieing on the inside with only the light of my son guiding me. I still don't have the want to drink, she is not worth my new found sober life. That is so hard to say that my wife isn't worth something to me. I guess i should stop calling her my wife. I don't want this to end i know and she knows there is so much good in this relationship. She still said at dinner on Thursday that there is a big part of her that wants this to work. But it is just to hard and she doesn't have the energy for it. Everyday i wake up and replay all the bad things i have said or did to her. And i know I'm not that person anymore and i try to put it away in a room in my head. But every morning that room is open and those words and feelings flood my senses. The hurt i have caused in her and myself are almost unbearable. But life keeps coming and i do wake up everyday a little stronger because I'm not drinking. It is so hard to know that it took me getting healthy for her to leave. And i do hate that feeling.

I do hope that this could still work, i do hope she can learn to let things go. I hope only for the best for our son. All i can do is hope and let it go.

Things i love
1. my son
2. my support system
3. me
4. his smile and laugh
5. being sober
6. my wife
7. the happy feelings that are left of my time with her
8. her smile her laugh her big forgiving heart
9. being in her arms
10. my wife

Thursday, December 4, 2008

72nd day

Well it is over. My marriage came to an end at dinner for my birthday. The 1000 lbs that has been lifted is surprisingly nice. I now don't have to worry or try to win her back. And what ever happens i can handle it, and stay sober along the way. All new beginnings come from something ending. I feel the strongest that i have in years and i know it is from being sober. When i was drinking i would have drowned the sorrow with beer after beer until i forgot about her. I don't want to forget her the way she smiles the way she laughs the way her hair smelled. And most importantly the way she made me feel she will always be the best thing that has ever happened to me. I had never felt loved in all my life not from my parents not from other girlfriends. She made my world complete she is also the first person that i have ever truly loved and i will always love her. I know i should be mad at her for wanting to end this but I'm not. It might come along later but we are joined for life by the life we have created. And how can i hate someone for giving me the second best thing to happen to me. Our son is the most important thing in the world to us and he needs to know it. Mommy and daddy may not be together but i know we will always do the best for him. And that's what is important to me.

I still hope for the best for each of us. I will pray for nothing but good things for her. But most of all i know good things are in store for me. I have a amazing support group of friends and AA members and a soon to be ex father-in-law who all want the best for me and our son. How can i not be nothing but positive for the future. Iknow that not having her in my life at all would hurt so much more.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

71st day

I think I'm scaring my wife with my new found confidence. Or maybe for the first time I'm challenging her. I have never been one for conflict even if it meant that my needs where not being met. I just want things to run smooth with out ripples in my little world. This book has woken me up a lot how can i make her happy if i was a unhappy drunk. A lot of things have changed in the last two months like the way that i see the world and how i want to fit in it. I still want to be the partner that my wife needs and deserves. There are hings i want to do also like workout, play golf and not feel bad about it. I have needs and i need to take care of them, no one was put on this earth to meet my needs. If my needs are met then i can meet hers, i think that me standing up to her and starting to talk about my feelings and needs. It kind of freaks her out it has been something she has always wanted and now that I'm doing it she doesn't know how to handle it. We had a heated conversation over something last night, i wanted to talk to her about issue. And instead of waiting for it to boil over i calmly brought it up and put it out there. I think it caught her off guard and she said we will talk about it tomorrow. Still waiting to talk to her but i feel that i did the right thing to finally stand up for myself. I hope it doesn't scare her off but so it goes we will see what happens next.

I still hope for the best.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

70 days

Well we had therapy last night. Things do seem to be going better. As i have posted we have kissed the last two times we where together. She said that it was good for her but there is still some hurt there. She wants to wait till after the holidays to make any choices. That means what 29 more days at least of this. It will end well or i will be heart broken. I hope for the first option but it is not up to me. That's what makes it so hard the waiting and of course the unknown. My birthday is Saturday the 6Th i will be 36 years old and the first birthday in 19-20 years sober. The thought of that is so weird it kind of twists my brain like twisting taffy. She doesn't want to be alone with me on that day. That's fine with me i would rather we do something as a family any way. When i decided to quit drinking.I talked to a good friend of mine, Tony on a Friday about AA. It was 9 months for him and his birthday he said it was the best present he could of asked for. I didn't know what he meant by that but i do now.

Monday, December 1, 2008

69 days

Things that feel good

1. watching the sunrise
2. holding my wife
3. playing Thomas the train
4. the warm sun on a cool day
5. a clean house
6. talks with my friends
7. watching my son grow
8. a good hard day of work
9. confidants
10. being sober

Sunday, November 30, 2008

68 days

Things i love

1. my wife
2. my son
3. her smile
4. his smile
5. her laugh
6. his laugh
7. my clear thinking
8. my new path
9. hugs
10. kissing my wife, like tonight

day 66

Just for you Kerby.
To sad to blog that day
Love you man

Saturday, November 29, 2008

day 67

It feels really good to be me. I have been reading this book called No More Mr. Nice guy at first i thought i didn't need it. I needed the book No More Mr. a--hole. What a difference it has made in me. It basically talks about taking control of your life again with the needs that you have. I have started by being firm and assertive and telling my wife my needs. I do know that i can not be overbearing and mean, but i do have needs. I was always thinking of her needs and of our sons needs before mine. I like to play golf and i would feel so guilty about leaving them, so i would drink more to drowned the guilt. Then i would get home and be in trouble for drinking to much then i would really feel bad for going. Or i would be like see i can't go do anything i want without getting in trouble for it. How crazy is that i also know my wife has needs to go do things and i would be like see she doesn't want to spend time with me. That is even crazier she needs to go do things also. Two people that work together is a relationship, not one person feeling sorry for them self. I really feel my confidants coming back at a high rate of speed. This is so good but also a Little scary. To much confidantes made me start drinking again in 07. I now have a really good support system to fall back on and help with that urge. I do not want to drink ever again and lose what i could have in my family. But it is so nice to have that swagger back again. Since i started drinking again and now have stopped again i have really lost a lot of me. It feels so good to have it coming back and i am starting to open my world back up. I don't ever want to go down that road again i want to stay on the good path. This blog feels so good to help pour out my emotions. I really love all the comments and positive feed back, Shadow, Banana Girl, Tony, Aaron, Indistinct, Shannon and Syd you guys rock. I thank you so much and Richard i do love the phone calls.

I have nothing but hope for me and my wife. Damn it feels good to be me!

Thursday, November 27, 2008

65 days

Well i had thanksgiving with my wife and family. We went to get some coffee and to talk. She still doesn't believe in me and doesn't want to take that leap of faith with me. The rest of the visit went pretty good and it was very easy to be myself around her and her family. It was so hard to leave the place i so wanted to be at. Why the hell is everything so hard. My son started to get upset that i was leaving after spending the day as a family. I miss my son and want nothing but the best for him. We talked about the fact we don't want another man or woman raising our son. I just want to be a family why is that so hard. Why did i take so long to get sober, why did i start drinking again the summer of 07. Why am i doing everything right and healing myself and the rest of my world sucks. Why. Why. Why. Those questions are killing me right now. I know i need to slow down and take it one day at a time. And to just breath. What happens will happen and i have no control over any of it.

Thank you Aaron for the talk i needed it.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

64 days

My wife doesn't believe in me. What a hard pill to swallow. I know it will just take time and all that but it still hurt to hear. The only person i have ever truly loved or felt loved by doesn't believe in me. Th sadness that tried to over take me was so strong and i fought it of with the serenity prayer. The chip it left on my shoulder was what surprised me the well you don't believe me i will show you. I can stay sober and i will stay true to my words. I want nothing more to be her support person her go to guy, the man she has always wanted. I want her to dream big and believe that i will help her get there. I want to see her reach her goals and to see me and our son standing there for her.

I want a lot of things but it has to start with the time i need to give her now.

I still hope for the best and belive that we are a great couple and good for each other.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

63 days

I'm having the hardest time sleeping. Every night i go to bed and finally start to sleep, i keep having these horrible dreams about my wife. And this ending, i don't know if it's the negativity I'm not letting in to my daily life rule me. I feel it's my mind getting back at me in my sleep when i can't stop it. I wake up in a cold sweat that encases my body in fear and self doubt. This fear and doubt just rips my heart and soul to shreds because this is my world now. It takes me 45-60 minutes to relax enough to go back to sleep. This feeling is so hard to shake and i don't want to go to sleep. The funny thing is i hardly ever remember my dreams but these last five days have been so difficult on me.

I had dinner with my wife and son last night and it was so nice to spend time with them both. My son was so happy that we where all eating together again it made it imposable to want to leave. I held it together long enough to get to the car before i lost it. My wife and i talked some and paid the bills together something we have never done before. All this stuff makes it so hard to leave and come over to my friends house. I don't want to be here and i appreciate his help but being away is so grinding. And i know he knows how i feel he has gone through the same thing before and his relationship ended. He did make me promise him something that if my wife and i can work this out. Take hold of that second chance and never let it go because it is something he never had, his second chance. His wife was done the minute they separated, she was listening to bad advice from her mother and friends. In these blogs i do try not to judge or speculate on what she is doing or who she is hanging out with. I know she has single friends telling her to leave me that I'm a bum and a loser. But all they know is the bad me not the caring and loving side of me. All I'm doing is trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other and stay on this good, solid and positive path i am on. This is the right path for me and the choices i am making are the right ones for me. Even if we get back together i still need to do things that i like to do and do them for me. I need to go golfing, to go out with friends and not feel sorry for doing it. She needs to go do things that are important to her and i can't get upset over it. Family is very important to me but some of my time needs to be for me also. My wife has said this for years but a brain full of hops and barley never listened. And now I'm learning all of these things when it might be to late. All i can do is continue to learn from my past and move down this better path.

Monday, November 24, 2008

62 days

Well I'm at home today my son is under the weather. It is so nice to spend more time with him and of course play Thomas the train. I have talked to so many people the last three days, from friends to AA members. They all say the same keep your head up what ever happens will happen. Stop killing yourself with the what ifs and the future. But the heart wants what the heart wants and right now can not have. I have really messed things up, and it still hurts. But it is not all my fault. My therapist said right know you are interviewing for the job of your life. Maybe you will get it maybe you wont but stay the course. Stay sober don't give her any more reasons to end this and just give her space. Staying positive is the key it feels so good to just laugh when some of the time all i want to do is cry. It's going to be really hard to leave tonight to leave him. I made my wife a play list of songs that meant so much to us. Like Lifehouse, Alicia Keys, the Bodeans, Sarah, Coldplay and the Counting Crows. The first summer we where dating the Counting Crows put on a show. I really wanted to go she wasn't a big Crows fan yet. She bought us tickets as a surprise for me , that's when i knew she was so special. No one Had ever did anything so nice for me in my whole life. I love her so much and i miss her with all my heart. This is my life, i want what i can't have to hold her, to kiss her forehead, to look into those blue eyes and get lost in are love again.

The sober part is easy i have never wanted to do anything so bad in all of my life. To never see my son in that haze of beer soaked eyes. To really look at all the really small important changes that are starting in him. To tickle him and hear that wonderful sound, to hear the words i love you daddy. The hugs and the kisses and to watch the whole world start to open up to him is amazing. He is so smart and funny and of course good looking like his daddy(haha). My world will always revolve around him and what he needs, so strange for someone who didn't know if he wanted kids. My world will be forever brighter because of that little man and to leave him really hurts. This part time parenting is the worst, i want to be with him all the time. But "so it goes" to quote Slaughter House 5. I need to finish cleaning the house, the one thing that never ends.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

61 days

I earned my two month chip today. Like i posted i drilled a hole into it and added it to the 24 hour one around my neck. This chip is to remind me of what i have done and now lost do to drinking. I shouldn't say lost yet but looks that way. I feel like I'm rowing a boat and i have to keep it straight and going in the direction that i want it to go. My wife is on the dock watching me to see if i can keep it going in that direction so maybe she could start to believe in me again. So that's what I'm going to do even if she wants to leave i need to keep my boat moving forward. Follow my heart and i can't go wrong. Even though my heart wants what it can't have. Thanksgiving is coming up and we are going to her fathers house. I feel like the spot light is going to be on me so she can start to listen with her eyes and see what changes i have made.

My birthday is coming up also and on that day i will have my son. What better b-day present can a part time father ask for a fun day with his son. When that day comes it will be the longest sober run i have had in the last 20 years. I have spent time to go back and read my blogs and i wonder how i have got to this point. All the remorse is slowly slipping out of my system. The self hating comes and goes as it wishes but I'm not kicking my ass for it anymore. What happens in the future is not in my control but i do feel in control of me. It feels so good to type that to see the happiness start to take over my body and thoughts. This still sucks but there is nothing i can do but to keep rowing my boat and hope my wife will forgive me. I do feel like i will turn around and she will be gone for she is at the banks now. Hopefully still watching, our therapist says we are in the same boat just rowing different directions. I miss her so much and my b-day will be missing something with her not there. But hey that's in the future.

I still hope all will end well but...

Saturday, November 22, 2008

60 days

Things I'm grateful for:

1. Being sober and starting to see the world again
2. My son, my inspiration to stay on this track
3. My support system of friends and AA members
4. The new relationship with my father-in-law
5. The new found spirit in me to be a better man
6. Using this blog to get my feelings out
7. Watching the sunrise
8. Thomas the train and the hours of playing with my son
9. Finding the woman of my dreams
10. Doing this for me

I know I'm in control of me and that's all i can control

Friday, November 21, 2008

59 days

Well my wife wants this marriage to be over. She wants it to be over because she knows that i will hurt her again. How can you convince someone that you love so much that you don't want to hurt them. Even though that is all that you have done. I know it is impossible to go through a relationship with out someone getting hurt at sometime. Feelings are going to get hurt even if it happens on accident. I have never woke up in the morning with the goal to hurt my wife. It has always been a reaction to me to lash out and that's what i need to change. I know that i control my future by not drinking and i have a very good control on that. Not once has the thought of having one entered my mind in the last month when all of this started to surface with her. I know she is so proud of me for entering AA the smile on her face said it all last night. I know she loves me but is not in love with me. I know this relationship can work. I know that i will never intently hurt her with words that a drunk would say. I know that it would be best for us to live together and raise are son. I know that my love for her will never fade even when we divorce and she will own the rights to my heart for a long time. I know we can not move in that direction until she figures her self out first but does she want to try, that is the question.

My priorities are :
1. Staying sober
2A. My son
2B. Supporting my wife
3. My job

The future of this relationship looks very bleak.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

58 days part 2

I couldn't wait for tomorrow. What a strange date, i brought her a flower something i wouldn't of done drinking because it was all about me. She looked just amazing this hat she had on was WOW. She is the most beautiful woman in the world to me and i could not help but to tell her with every chance i had. It was uncomfortable at first the tension was very high. Then she let down her wall and told me what way she was leaning in are relationship. It wasn't what i wanted to hear, she is leaning towards divorce. The sledgehammer hit me again right in the chest full force. My wind was gone, but it was also something i wanted to know. She is leaning that way because of all the hurt she has endeared over the years between her mother and from me. She doesn't want to be a victim anymore, and i don't want to hurt her anymore. I talked about what was going on with me and my changes and how i can see this relationship work. The summer i quit drinking was the best time we had ever had together. it was amazing, but i want us to be better then that summer, that is just the foundation. I have always been told that i have a big heart and that i should really just follow it. As all alcoholics i never saw it in me to be true. I do believe in me and my big heart and that it won't lead me astray. And i know now she needs time to see if i do follow it and then she can maybe start to trust me again. Over the course of dinner we laughed and we cried. She did say that she wants this to still work but i have to be true to me before she can believe me.

My big heart just wants to hold her and protect her from the world. To be the defender she has never had. My big heart wants me to finally start to see and live up to the potential that everyone else can see. My thick skull and small brain needs to get out of the way. My big heart needs to be what i follow and i know that this is the right choice. If i follow my heart things will go the way that i want them to go. For better or worse with her.

I need to get out of the way of me to be me.

58 days

It's date night tonight. We are suppose to approach tonight as a first date, and i just want to have fun. I need my wife to see that we can still have fun together and the changes that are happening to me. That they are real and to see the man I'm becoming and hopefully see will. If not i still need to make these changes for me to be the man that can look into the mirror and like what he sees. The questions of the unknown future are the hardest what if we down the road get divorced any way. I can say at least we tried to put are best foot forward and went for it. I don't want to live with the regret of at least not trying it out. But we have to get to that point first. And who knows maybe it starts tonight with a new first date. I will let you know how it went tomorrow.

All i can do is be myself and let the cards fall where they may

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

day 57

I have to write a letter of amends to my wife for all the things i have done. How do you say I'm sorry for everything when your sorry doesn't mean much. I just finished my letter of amends to my wife i feel so small. She is having people over at our house and i want to be there so bad. i miss my wife, the smell of her hair, the goosebumps she gets when i gently tickle her ribs. The funny look she has when she gets up, her humor, her walk the way only she can look at me. I miss her so much. I love you honey

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

56 days

Confidants. Did you know that there is a big world out there. It is amazing what you learn when you are not looking at the top of your shoes when walking around. I can fell the trust in myself coming back. Trust that's a hard one for a alcoholic to regain, don't get to high because it is a long fall to the bottom again. I'm a pretty big guy and i can hold my own in a lot of situations. But it was a liquid that completely controlled me and my actions. My dreams and goals where set on a pretty low bar. My wife hayed that fact about me, why is it that everyone else can see the potently in you but you. You would think that me if anyone would know me. How could that be any farther from the truth. This rediscovery in myself is so weird and strange. I know what i like to do like hiking for example but i hated it when i was drinking. That meant getting up a doing things i wanted to go do, but it was so far a way from the store. This past 56 days i have really started to see the little things again. The fact that i get paid to see the sun rise(the only true guaranty in life). How many times in a day i can make people laugh or laugh at myself. The countless smiles on my sons face and his many silly laughs. I know that today is still young and I'm starting to see the little things again. What else can a man like me do but go out and embrace it and really start to enjoy it again. Alcohol can take so many things away from you, starting with how you define yourself. I know it is early in the AM and my day can go any sort of way. But I'm the only one who can let myself get mad or upset. The right mind set is such a important thing for recovery. There is this very young kid in my group that shows up on Saturday that said "i need to keep life uncomfortable because if i don't i will start all over again". How can he be so wise in that fact which took me 35 years to learn.

I have hope and faith my wife and i will work this out.

Monday, November 17, 2008

day 55

Packing. I hate this packing up my stuff and moving it from one place to the next. My son lives at our house and we shuffle in and out every couple of days. The packing is a hard thing for me to do. I know Wednesday i will be going back to my friends house where I'm staying when it is her turn to be with are son. So i have to pack clothes, blankets, a pillow and then think about the next few days away from the place i want to be. It makes me want to pull my very quickly greying hair out. What is it about packing that is so unbearable. Before packing meant going on a trip so the anticipation was fun, but this kind just flat out sucks. My moving in and out of my sons life is just wearing me down. I just want to be here for him all the time it is the one feeling i can't shake on a daily basis. Knowing that i can't pick him up and hug him play. Thomas the train with him and see the daily growth in him is so hard. This separation is making him act out the not knowing who is going to be there the next day makes him sad(as sad as a three year old can be until he sees his trains then he is happy). But even watching him play with his trains and seeing how they hit one and the other is hard on me. Knowing my drinking has pushed my wife and my relationship to the brink. I can't help but to think this is all my fault. Why didn't i pull my head out sooner maybe we would be in a better spot. I do think my wife needs this time a way to cool down and it is hard on both of us. She has said she misses me and wants this to work, but this time a way is so hard.

I gave my wife my 1 month chip from AA to symbolize my new trust in myself and belief in us. Then when i left i asked her to carry it and to think about the good in me that she can see coming back. I just found it in the laundry room on the floor. I believe she just dropped it but the rush of self doubt is overwhelming right now. I can see the scared little boy in me starting to come out. What if see left it on purpose or didn't care if she lost it. I believe this is all bull but i can't help it. These are the feeling i must change in me to have faith in her, i know she just dropped it . Put these thoughts a way and move on, easy to type but hard to do.

My 2 month chip is coming on Sunday I think I'm going to add it to the 24 hour one around my neck. So i can remember the pain i have caused my wife these last 7 years. One chip for hope and the other to remind me of what my drinking can do to the ones i love.

Hope and faith in us is all i have right now. It is starting to feel good to be me again.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

day 53 and 54 days

Perspective. How can things change for the positive? Just a lot of praying and hope and therapy. My wife's homework for the week was to right me a letter and tell me about all the hurt i have caused her. I knew most of it but i didn't know how deep and how fresh the wounds still where. I cried a lot, just to look at her and remember all of the things she was talking about. It was like tearing a old band aid off when it has been on the skin for to long. The rest of the band aid is all sticky and slick but the blood from the cut has dried to the paper. When you pull it off the cut reopens and feels even deeper and bleeds a lot more. But the wound is healing and is getting smaller and just like ever thing it just needs time. It will fully heal and leave a scar as a reminder of what and how it got there. All you can do is redress it and try to move forward. That is when the real healing begins but that scar is important to remember.

This separation was such a negative for me at the start. How can we work on us if we are not together. But if we are not right with are self how can we be right with any one else. Time does heal all wounds and being away from her makes me want to be the right man for me and her. I know i will never drink again and it creeps into my mind like a unwanted cold breeze. But if you have on the right clothes the cold can't over take you. I need to keep it right in my head and understand the way this genetic defect works and the evils that come with it. I have a amazing support group of friends and my wives father is a huge influence on me. If there is any one person who should be mad at me it is him, for the way i have treated his little girl. But he is not and he just wants us to be together and happy because that what she wants. There is so many people i can let down by drinking again starting with myself. Are friend have said we love Rich when he is sober but after a few he can be a real dick. I always had the attitude of screw them i do what i want. When they really could see the scared little boy i would become after a few. Clarity of the mind is a powerful thing and with the right mind set and attitude i can do anything. That is something hard for me to believe but it is starting to come around. The self doubt that comes with drinking is a wicked and cruel companion of alcohol.

Friday, November 14, 2008

52 days

that is how i feel today

Thursday, November 13, 2008

day 51

Holy crap. 1:47 am. I was just starting to finally relax enough to try to get some sleep. Something from AA popped into me head " Keep coming back it WORKS IF YOU WORK IT." Then I said the serenity prayer and it just hit me right in the face. It works if you work it, the serenity prayer " God, grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change, courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Then a comment from my friend Aaron on my first blog "Attitude with gratitude." I sat up the sledgehammer felling went a way, i had the damn answer around my neck, my new support group and a old friend i had the answers the whole time. While sitting there in bed my son came running into my room and jumped into bed, he snuggled into me and said "I love you daddy." I hugged him and kissed him on the forehead and said thank you i love you to. Then he was a sleep, me not even close to sleep again but for the first time in three weeks the first sliver of happiness creeped into my heart. I can not change the things i have said and done to my wife or the things my son has witnessed. I can not take them back, what i can do is learn from them and not make the same mistakes. It does take courage to change, the only way a turtle can go forward is by sticking his neck out. I WILL NOT DRINK again my first mistake i can change, getting back to the normal happy person that i am another change i can make. Even though the sledgehammer effect has lifted it has been replaced by a fist to the gut. This second fog has also evaporated from my head the doubt in me, the anger at myself although not all of that yet. The grief and self loathing has defiantly softened i felt like me for the first time since entering AA. I like me, my friends like me, my SON LOVES me what more can a father ask. I was taking this fear of the unknown and this hatred for myself and projecting it on the ones i love. No wonder my wife left and is unhappy how can she believe in someone who is not believing in them self. I am still doing the wrong things and not even noticing them myself. The wisdom to know the difference that is the key to my sober success. I need to not be so damn hard on myself and stop kicking my own ass, thank you brother Kerby for that wisdom. How is a man to move forward if he can not forget the past what was... was. I need to let go of this power of holding onto how everyone else has wronged me. The toughest thing to do is to look into the mirror and evaluate the person looking back. Right now i do not like the person looking back at me that is another thing i can change. Tonight i have to drop off my son with his grandpa and spend the night alone in my house. Yesterday i was terrified about that, today it is a opportunity to grow and start to take my life back.

I drilled a hole into my first 24 hour chip and made a necklace out of it to remind me of my new sober life. That little thing now means so much more to me. It now means to take control of my life it's time to stop the self doubt and be the man i know i am. I would not give my wife a second chance if she had this attitude, so why would she. I am a smart, funny, loving and a caring man and pretty damn good looking if do say so myself LOL. I started this blog to get all of these crappy feelings out of me, i didn't think it would really work. It feels good to be me right now the feeling of joy. Maybe god does work in different ways, god there is a whole different blog to tackle at another time.

All i can do is hope for another chance with my wife and hope she can start to see this new me the real me again. This still sucks being separated but i can not change the way she feels about me, but i can change me. And a big question to ask is do i let my wife read this stuff.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

50 days

wow 50 days. The things that have changed. This feeling that someone has hit me in the chest with a sledgehammer. Is unbearable every waking moment i feel like i can't breath, eat and of course sleep. This separation is tearing me in half how can i prove to my wife the man I'm changing into when she is not here. How do i support her if i can't hold her. I'm at home for the first tome since Sunday, is this really a home? Or is it just a shell of a home, that looks nice on the outside but the inside is falling apart. Or is that just how i feel, my insides are all over the place my soul feels empty like this house. I know I'm a good man when i am not looking for all of the answers in the bottom of all the wrong bottles. Or is it that i am to scared to be the man that i truly want to be. The loving husband the great father the provider of love and support for the two people that mean the most to me. How can i do this when all i can do is kick the crap out of my self on a minute by minute basis. I have never felt this low in all my life i want to paint a bulls eye on my whole body and tear every part of me apart. The loss of this woman is a unbearable self inflected prison. I know that it is not all my fault but how do i stop all the guilt that floods my very being all the time. Everyone says I'm doing all the right stuff but how can it be right if everything is so wrong.

I picked my son up from daycare today the flood of feelings is so hard. I looked at him through the window a just broke down crying for the third time today. My wife has always said that i am a amazing father and i know by not drinking i always will be. But i want so much more for him a family that i never had. The love of two parents working and living together not the model i grew up with. How do i earn the trust of a woman back that i have hurt on so many occasions. That has all the right in the world not trusting me. All i have left in this world is hope she can forgive me one last time. I have a image in my head what that moment could be like when she tells me to come home. I can't believe it thought the hope hurts to much to believe in. I am truly at a loss of everything i can hold on to. I don't want to be a part time dad, i need to be there for him something i never had. I want to be a full time husband that helps and supports his wife i just want another chance. I have started to pray but is there a god even willing to listen to me. Or is this just the last grasp of a desperate man.

Today all i have is hope but is that enough.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

my story

I started drinking when i was 15-16 years old what could a few beers on the weekend hurt. Half way through my 16th year i was up to 20-24 beers on a Friday or Saturday night. My friends and i then got our lunch hour off so we had a hour and a half to kill. And if your killing time why not do it drinking. So lunch turned in to 6-8 beers a day, beer was always in my system. I breezed through high school and took a year off before going to college. In that year i worked to drink, my reward for working and i was hammered every weekend.Then off to college where my drinking career really took off. If high school is suppose to get you ready for college i was more then ready. After my first semester i joined a fraternity not the smartest thing to do for a thriving drunk. After a lot of parties and getting laid i thought that this was greet. I went to detox on my 21st birthday with blood alcohol level of .38 and blew .00 by three o'clock the next day. They said that i must drink a lot to have my body process that amount of booze in such a short time. Then i meet a girl who had a drunk for a father so me getting hammered on a Tuesday was normal to her. I got to drink when and how much i wanted, i know there was no future with her but i was doing what i wanted. i left her and moved on still drinking but not as much. I meet my wife at 28 the words i can use here do not explain her. She is a caring, loving , smart ,hot, strong and intelligent woman. We partied and had a lot of fun at first. She did not like me drinking all the time, so i would get very verbally abuse of. There are things i have said to her i would not say to my worse enemy. A lot of the time i would have to be told what i said the night before. i quit drinking the summer of 07 and it was the best are marriage ever was. Then i thought i could control it and started drinking again. Boy was i wrong it took a long while before i said anything mean to her but the patterns started all over again. September 23, 08 i let her have it over something that was so stupid that i can't even remember what it was about. The next day o told myself i was done my drinking career was over i can't keep doing this to the woman who means the world to me. I have a friend who is in AA and i joined that Saturday it has been 49 days since my last drink. Now my world is upside down we have separated and i don't blame her for it. She is so angry at me for the last 7 years i don't know if we will work it out. I love her so much and i know there is not enough I'm sorry, in the world to make up for what i have done. There is nothing in the world i wouldn't do to make every thing right with her. I want this marriage to work and we are in therapy to try to work through this. I just pray that i have not done to much damage to it.

To not be with her cuts the very essents of my soul. I know i will not drink again but to prove it to her is another thing. I miss my 3 year old son. There has not been a time in the last three days that i have not broke down crying. Now that the fog has lifted from my brain i see what is important and i truly want to be the partner she needs. i love her so much and not being with her makes me hate myself. The guilt is like having a mountain on my shoulders crushing every move i make. The anger that i have at myself for everything wants to consume me. i can't get all the things i have done out of my head all the words i have said to the woman i love. All i can do is hope my wife can forgive me again and i know that alcohol will not be the problem ever again. I'm a lost soul in my own life full of my own mistakes.