What a different x-mas, it was so nice to have this Holiday. To not wake up in any fog from the night before. To not worry about what i did say the night before.
On the 24Th it was my day to have our son so i went over there at about 12:30. She had just put our son down for his nap we talked about a lot of stuff. We tried to just enjoy are self and the moment of being together. The first plan was she was going to stay the night and do Christmas in the morning. That plan changed when i arrived she said she was going to go over to her friends house for the night. I said that she didn't have to be alone for the night. I know how hard it is to be alone on a Holiday i did it on thanksgiving and it sucked. She left at 3:30 and said she would be over at 8:00 the next morning. My son and i had a great night he played extra long in the bath while i cleaned the bathroom. Then i was getting ready to put him down for the night and she called crying. She said she thought it was going to be easy to be alone for the night. She didn't want to be alone, i told her to come home. I keep our son up until she arrived and she said goodnight to him then i put him down for the night. We put out the Santa gifts and just talked for awhile then she came over to me and started to kiss me. I had to stop i didn't know what to do this is what i want and here it is in my lap. She stopped after i hesitated and i lost the internal tug of war inside me and went in for the kiss. That night it was so great to fall a sleep with her in my arms. I know nothing has probably changed but for one night it was everything i wanted and needed.
The next day we opened presents and her dad came up for brunch. We opened more gifts then put our son down for a nap. Instead of talking about everything we watched a movie and just hung out. We played with our son and hugged while she made dinner when she told me it all really comes down to. She doesn't want to get hurt by me and that she is not sure i will stay sober. I told her trust in each other would come with time. Why don't we just start by dating first and see where it goes. She stayed Christmas night also and we fell asleep in each others arms again. Then it was morning and back to reality i left because it is her weekend with our son. I don't know what to think maybe it was just a nice break from all of the divorce talk.
I am still full of hope for all that i love . I want nothing for the best for me and our son. I still think i need to keep moving forward and get back out in the world but still hope for the best.
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5 comments:
Take care of yourself and your sobriety. And take it one day at a time. Glad that your Christmas was good.
RC,
A beautiful picture that you got by not pushing and not expecting. If you are not working the steps, get started. It will help you sort through and learn to feel and trust your instincts. Remember you are not a bad person, you just made some bad choices and God willing, if you turn it over, one day at a time, you will never have to worry about it again. J.
I love what you said about taking time to heal. My sponsor says that TIME is a four letter word to us drunks. It sounds great in your story but I don't like it in mine.:)
expectations are dangerous. what happened was the unexpected. and you went with what felt right. perfectly good (i think). if you can just take each day as it comes, without expectations, you'll come out on top. difficult to do in your situation, but the way to go... good luck!!!
You've been given lots of great advice already so I just want to second everything everyone else has already said. I was told expectations are resentments waiting to happen so if you can just take things one day at a time without any expectations regarding your wife, I think you'll be fine. Easier said than done though, right?
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