62 days

Well I'm at home today my son is under the weather. It is so nice to spend more time with him and of course play Thomas the train. I have talked to so many people the last three days, from friends to AA members. They all say the same keep your head up what ever happens will happen. Stop killing yourself with the what ifs and the future. But the heart wants what the heart wants and right now can not have. I have really messed things up, and it still hurts. But it is not all my fault. My therapist said right know you are interviewing for the job of your life. Maybe you will get it maybe you wont but stay the course. Stay sober don't give her any more reasons to end this and just give her space. Staying positive is the key it feels so good to just laugh when some of the time all i want to do is cry. It's going to be really hard to leave tonight to leave him. I made my wife a play list of songs that meant so much to us. Like Lifehouse, Alicia Keys, the Bodeans, Sarah, Coldplay and the Counting Crows. The first summer we where dating the Counting Crows put on a show. I really wanted to go she wasn't a big Crows fan yet. She bought us tickets as a surprise for me , that's when i knew she was so special. No one Had ever did anything so nice for me in my whole life. I love her so much and i miss her with all my heart. This is my life, i want what i can't have to hold her, to kiss her forehead, to look into those blue eyes and get lost in are love again.

The sober part is easy i have never wanted to do anything so bad in all of my life. To never see my son in that haze of beer soaked eyes. To really look at all the really small important changes that are starting in him. To tickle him and hear that wonderful sound, to hear the words i love you daddy. The hugs and the kisses and to watch the whole world start to open up to him is amazing. He is so smart and funny and of course good looking like his daddy(haha). My world will always revolve around him and what he needs, so strange for someone who didn't know if he wanted kids. My world will be forever brighter because of that little man and to leave him really hurts. This part time parenting is the worst, i want to be with him all the time. But "so it goes" to quote Slaughter House 5. I need to finish cleaning the house, the one thing that never ends.