wow 50 days. The things that have changed. This feeling that someone has hit me in the chest with a sledgehammer. Is unbearable every waking moment i feel like i can't breath, eat and of course sleep. This separation is tearing me in half how can i prove to my wife the man I'm changing into when she is not here. How do i support her if i can't hold her. I'm at home for the first tome since Sunday, is this really a home? Or is it just a shell of a home, that looks nice on the outside but the inside is falling apart. Or is that just how i feel, my insides are all over the place my soul feels empty like this house. I know I'm a good man when i am not looking for all of the answers in the bottom of all the wrong bottles. Or is it that i am to scared to be the man that i truly want to be. The loving husband the great father the provider of love and support for the two people that mean the most to me. How can i do this when all i can do is kick the crap out of my self on a minute by minute basis. I have never felt this low in all my life i want to paint a bulls eye on my whole body and tear every part of me apart. The loss of this woman is a unbearable self inflected prison. I know that it is not all my fault but how do i stop all the guilt that floods my very being all the time. Everyone says I'm doing all the right stuff but how can it be right if everything is so wrong.
I picked my son up from daycare today the flood of feelings is so hard. I looked at him through the window a just broke down crying for the third time today. My wife has always said that i am a amazing father and i know by not drinking i always will be. But i want so much more for him a family that i never had. The love of two parents working and living together not the model i grew up with. How do i earn the trust of a woman back that i have hurt on so many occasions. That has all the right in the world not trusting me. All i have left in this world is hope she can forgive me one last time. I have a image in my head what that moment could be like when she tells me to come home. I can't believe it thought the hope hurts to much to believe in. I am truly at a loss of everything i can hold on to. I don't want to be a part time dad, i need to be there for him something i never had. I want to be a full time husband that helps and supports his wife i just want another chance. I have started to pray but is there a god even willing to listen to me. Or is this just the last grasp of a desperate man.
Today all i have is hope but is that enough.
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a mans new world of living with out alcohol
3 comments:
congratulations, 50 days is BIG!!!
i've been sober for just 2 years, and i still have my moments of cringing, pain, that needs to just obliterate what i did to my husband and son. they are getting less. they are losing their hold on me. it's progress. your intentions are good. and with time, those who love you will see it. they will see you are staying sober. you are trying. you are doing something to change. for your own good, and theirs. hang in there!
Is there a God willing to listen? Dude he is right there if you let Him in. Keep praying and find out. You are a good man Rich just a little sick. Healing is happening right now. My sponsor told me there is a four letter word for drunks like us....TIME! "I want to make good on my past right now!" Sound familiar? Our little human brains can't possibly know the why or how long things happen.
If she comes back, it will be because she wants to. You are healing yourself right now. Staying sober is important and like Tony said in his comment, it takes time to rebuild trust. Trust in your HP that there is a plan for you and your wife.
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