Wednesday, December 31, 2008

end of year

By most accounts 2008 will go down as a crappy one.
The low points.
I was drinking and hiding from myself for 3/4 of it and i only got worse. My wife wants a divorce one month after being sober. I like my job but i could be doing something else. Day care is f-ing expensive and all of my bills. I will have to get a second job to afford the house.

The high points.
Been sober 99 days and i love it, wish i would of done it back in the summer of 07. My new support system is amazing. The main focus of my life turned three. I found me again and i never want to lose that. The hope in me for all things has come back. I want to see the world i missed in a bottle. I love blogging and all of you out there i hope to meet more of you.

For 2009.

I just hope things will work out between us and if not i can handle it. I hope my son stays healthy and happy. I know i won't drink. Staying in AA is a life long goal. I guess i hope 2009 can only be better because my life can't get any worse.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

98 days

Things that make me happy

!. Finding me
2. My son's laugh
3. Working out
4. My home group
5. My friends
6. 98 days of my new life
7. The 25 pounds i have lost
8. Being proud of me for my new life choice
9. Music
10. Blogging
11. The unknown future
12. Her

Sunday, December 28, 2008

96 days

Well the guys took me out for a night on the town. The bars and all the games never change just the players do. I have never really liked going to bars to talk to girls it's to loud and way to many people. Everyone is all made up to be at there best to impress who ever, all the fake crap that goes along with it. Don't get me wrong the eye candy is nice to look at but it's just not me. Give me a good house party or a cook out where people are more relaxed them self any day. I talked to some girls, just some good conversation not wanting any more then that. It was nice for a few hours to not think about anything but to watch everyone. I'm a people watcher and all the people try to put there best foot forward and make that first impression. The girls dressed in there Saturday nights best to show off what ever they think is there best assets. The guys getting all the liquid courage they can muster without getting to much and making an ass out of there self's. And doing all of this sober was a people watchers dream and it was very funny. Some of my friends had to much to drink and to watch the unhappily marred guy flirting and dancing with girls. Making up stories about him to be more of a catch to the women. The games is what i can't get into about the bars i tell thing how i see them and don't really lie. Life is so much easier to keep track of if you don't make up crap. Just be yourself is what i want to teach our son, i know that is kind of a double standard coming from me. i hide in a bottle for 20 years not wanting to face me. I have learned from quiting drinking that I'm a good man with a lot of great qualities, why did i ever hide them. I do have a new found love for life i want to try to see all of the stuff i have been to afraid to see. The only way a turtle can move forward is to put his neck out there. I have so many new little life phrases like that one and what ever happen i can handle it and one day at a time. One hundred days is coming up that is the day after new years. Wow January 1st i will be in the triple digits, the pride that just hit me is awesome still feels new to have pride in me. But i can handle it.

I will always have pride in myself for staying sober and that is something i never want to lose again. I still hope for the best for all that i love and that includes her. I have been told I'm being way to nice and handling this way to well for someone who is getting divorced. I don't hate her i just want what is best for are son and if we stay positive with each other he will grow up with that message. I love being sober and not hiding anymore to put myself out there is a good thing.

Friday, December 26, 2008

the day after x-mas 94 days

What a different x-mas, it was so nice to have this Holiday. To not wake up in any fog from the night before. To not worry about what i did say the night before.

On the 24Th it was my day to have our son so i went over there at about 12:30. She had just put our son down for his nap we talked about a lot of stuff. We tried to just enjoy are self and the moment of being together. The first plan was she was going to stay the night and do Christmas in the morning. That plan changed when i arrived she said she was going to go over to her friends house for the night. I said that she didn't have to be alone for the night. I know how hard it is to be alone on a Holiday i did it on thanksgiving and it sucked. She left at 3:30 and said she would be over at 8:00 the next morning. My son and i had a great night he played extra long in the bath while i cleaned the bathroom. Then i was getting ready to put him down for the night and she called crying. She said she thought it was going to be easy to be alone for the night. She didn't want to be alone, i told her to come home. I keep our son up until she arrived and she said goodnight to him then i put him down for the night. We put out the Santa gifts and just talked for awhile then she came over to me and started to kiss me. I had to stop i didn't know what to do this is what i want and here it is in my lap. She stopped after i hesitated and i lost the internal tug of war inside me and went in for the kiss. That night it was so great to fall a sleep with her in my arms. I know nothing has probably changed but for one night it was everything i wanted and needed.

The next day we opened presents and her dad came up for brunch. We opened more gifts then put our son down for a nap. Instead of talking about everything we watched a movie and just hung out. We played with our son and hugged while she made dinner when she told me it all really comes down to. She doesn't want to get hurt by me and that she is not sure i will stay sober. I told her trust in each other would come with time. Why don't we just start by dating first and see where it goes. She stayed Christmas night also and we fell asleep in each others arms again. Then it was morning and back to reality i left because it is her weekend with our son. I don't know what to think maybe it was just a nice break from all of the divorce talk.

I am still full of hope for all that i love . I want nothing for the best for me and our son. I still think i need to keep moving forward and get back out in the world but still hope for the best.

Monday, December 22, 2008

3x30= 90 days

I can't believe i made three months. I'm so proud of myself this is great. I want to thank all of you who support me and this blog. To all my friends in AA and at work and of course my friends i had before i choose this new life for me. I wish it was under better circumstances but so it goes. What ever happens i can handle it and stay true to myself and be sober. I have not felt this good about myself for such a long time. I'm still a little nerves about being to confident but i am on the right path for me and my son. I do love me again and that's all i can ask for. That 3 doors down song "Let me be myself" is such a inspiration to me. I first started to like the song for everything i was going through with her. Then i was listening to it and walking around my house. There is a mirror by are front door and i was singing to myself and looking in it. Then it hit me that song is not about her and me. It is about me and what my drinking has done to me and how i lost myself. If you don't know it there is a great acoustic version on youtube, you can give it a listen. Then think about what i just said about all we have lost to the bottle. I know i sound like I'm preaching to you and yes it bothers me to pimp the way i see that song. But the ways it inspires me is amazing i listen to it every morning.

I'm full of hope for me and the future with my son. I still hope for the best for all i love and that will never change. I just have so much hope and i love it.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Sunday day 89

What a up and down day i have had. I still feel so good about everything but i was cleaning the house. I would be in a room and a good memory would rush into my head and then the hurt of all of this. I need to move on she is, what is it about being dumped that is so hard to deal with. I would push the memory out of my head and things would get better then another one would hit me out of the blue. And my head would spin out of control. I feel it is just my mind telling me this marriage wasn't that bad. And a lot of good did happen but so did the bad. I'm still OK with this being over but these good memories still hurt. I know it's part of moving on but damn i want it to stop. I still want what the heart wants but the brain is finally moving on.

It is over.

I still hope for nothing but the best for all that i love. I'm looking forward to the unknown future of my life. I will be the best me because i am not drinking and i can live with that.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

88 days

Well my friend Kevin came over to look at our house today. He says the updates look really good but i need to redo the main bathroom before we put it on the market. She still wants me to have the house and keep it for me and my son. Without lowering the payment there is no way i can afford it. She said lets go talk to the bank after the first of the year and see what we can do. We talked a lot about what we would of wanted if this would have worked out. We both want the same thing in a relationship to each have are own life's but to have a partner to do the same. There is just not enough trust in her for me to make this work. I can't blame her if i was still drinking it was nothing but empty promises. I have not made a single promise to her through this whole what ever. She said she is still on the fence and on one side is me and the other is all the fear and hurt i have caused. The fear and hurt has won and i accept that. I don't want to have any relationship with anyone like i had with her ever again. I don't want to hurt people or be that drunk a-hole anymore. This is my choice for the rest of my life and I'm proud of me. I haven't had that in a long time that pride. I still want the best for her and for everything she does but i am now on my own and it feels so good. I want to dream again and have fun with life. I want to do all the thing i have missed out on hiding in a bottle go hiking, camping, explore this world and travel. I want to meet new people and laugh again. I want to do all of this sober and to finally be the real me who is a kind, big hearted man. Who is not afraid of his feeling and doesn't mind to show them for better or worse.

I will always have hope for all that i love. I will always be there for my son. I will be the support she needs when she asks for it. I guess i just want to be the true person that i am.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

86 days

I'm so ready to get out in the world and start to explore my new found freedom. I just want to go out and have fun do what ever comes up. Yes that still means not drinking, there is so much i have missed out on. Like just keeping up with my friends, i don't know why but i want to take a pottery class. For some reason that sounds like a kick in the pants to do something so new and out of the norm. It feels so good to have myself back. The confidants is all the way back and so is the swagger. It still makes me a little nerves but what ever happens i can handle it. Handel it the right way they say there are three things in life that are the most stressful. 1. death of a loved on. 2. divorce well already working on that one. 3. selling a house and that starts this weekend. A friend of mine in AA is that line of work and he is going to handle the selling part. I'm just afraid we are going to lose are ass on the house. The house is the 2ND to last bond between me and her and i am looking forward to get it over with. To start fresh and close this chapter on my life with her. What sucks is i have put a lot of work into this house updating and improving it. The only room left to update is the main bathroom. The cats have done a number on the carpet. It will feel so weird to move out of the life we started and the family we started here. But all things come to an end she has told her friends that she has filled. That is another lie she is spreading we have not done that yet. She wants us to do that together and I'm not going to do that part with her. She wants to leave she can start the process not me. It kind of feels like a last stand i have. I'm so ready to get out and mingle with new people not to hook up just to make new friends and move on. My first priority is the well being of our son and my sobriety. Anything after that is just life taking it's course. I have said i feel like I'm rowing a boat across a pond. Now i am starting to go down a new river of the unexpected. I really don't care where it takes me just as long as my son is with me.

I am still full of hope and desire to be the best me possible. Sober is the only way to do it right, i truly feel that way. So this is where my life is heading 36 divorced with a kid. I know I'm not the only one in this same river but i do feel alone in my boat. So it goes I'm ready for this new test.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

84 days

Why is it so hard to move on. She is done and moving on with her life she has already met someone she is interested in. I feel that this has been the problem the whole time and i knew that there was something she wasn't telling me. She didn't want me to know she didn't want to hurt me. WELL I'M ALREADY F-ING HURT. NOW I HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT AND MOVE ON. I wish it was that easy i have to deal with the pain of it. It would be so easy to go down the old road of drinking but that's not what i want. I have made a life choice for me and my son to be a better man. The sledgehammer feeling in my chest is back the wind feels knocked out of me again. I don't want to be married to a liar and i know she has been telling her friends stories about me. That does really hurt but it justifies her to them for leaving me.

Oh well my life will get better it just hurts like hell right now.

I still hope for the best for me and my son

Sunday, December 14, 2008

82 days

Well i had my work x-mas party last night. Last year i went with my wife and we had a good time. This year talk about polar opposites the party was held in the same place and i could feel her everywhere. The flood of memories was hard but my new found respect and love for my coworkers and support from them was awesome. The support from different people who i only somewhat know is uplifting the way they can help and not even know it. I'm starting to learn that reaching out is not as hard as i thought it was. It takes a strong man to ask for help I'm learning that through AA and from my friends. I have hope in people again something i never really had because it usually meant that i would be let down. To put yourself out on that ledge is hard and yet rewarding. Sometimes the risk does out weigh the gains. What do you really risk any way, if someone lets you down give them another chance.

My pride has been taking a beating this last couple of months. I hate to quit on anything, but i quit on myself 19-20 years ago when i started drinking. I stopped dreaming setting goals and i have let myself down for so long. It feels good to look forward to the future and try to be a better me every day. I feel that the roller coaster that i am on of emotions and guilt is starting to level out. I need this time to stand on my own and prove to myself that i can handle what ever happens.

I will always have hope that's just who i am.

Friday, December 12, 2008

wow 80 days

I have started the process of moving on. Shadow you are right it has felt so good to start to let go. The not worrying about everything is what feels the best. The not wanting to check in and on her. The feeling of freedom is a wonderful thing and very scary. She was with are son all day and there where 2-3 times i wanted to call. I stopped myself and said if she wanted to talk to me she would call and i left it at that. The rejection of this relationship is whats very hard on me all she wants to do is talk about moving forward with this divorce. The constant reminder of it is nerve racking and annoying. It is what it is, my son is whats important and being a strong male role model and influence. I do feel a lot better then the other day My friends at work are nothing short of amazing. I can't wait for tomorrow to make my first meeting in a while. I need to see those happy smiling people who don't judge because we are all in the same shoes.

I have hope for my future and for my sons. What ever happens i can handle it and stay true to me and my new path.

There is a amazing song by 3 Doors Down that is helping me through this called "let me be myself" all of you should give it a listen

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

78 days

I don't know what to feel anymore. Is this the new life she so desperately wants. To be free and on my own is such a hard thing to think about. I really don't want this to end but it is not my choice. She has made it loud and clear this is what she wants and i hate the choice she has made. I really hate the choice.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

77 days

I am so sick of putting my heart and feelings on the line everyday for her. I know she wants this to be over but the speed of her choice is what is so disturbing. 7 1/2years and the decision made up in less then a month. What kind of cold hearted woman is she changing into. I need to get on board with this and start to move forward, but of course if she called right now and said i want to try again i would be there in a second. I have to start to let it go it is the only way i can move forward. I know that there is so much potential in me and my next relationship by staying sober. I don't want to drink and that is the right decision for me and my son. I'm so mad at her for wanting to do this and the strain it puts on us and our son. What else can i do but be angry with her. I want nothing more for us to remain friends through all of this but it really hurts right now. I need to look out for me and our son that has to be my world now. She has made her choice and that is that so screw her i don't need to wallow in anymore gilt for her. I will be a good catch for someone else i am a good person with a lot to offer someone.

Monday, December 8, 2008

76 days

well off to therapy for probably the last time. She said that she is tired of it and was just doing it for me to see that this is over. I knew that divorce was always possible but i didn't think it would come to that. We have always talked and worked through are issues. I'm changing for the better and she knows that but there is to much hurt for her to deal with or try to deal with. I respect the fact she is following her dreams and head. But we kissed again before she left and then she stopped and said damn it i have to stop doing this. When we are together it still makes sense to be together. We laugh and have fun with each other like we have always done so it is confusing to me. I think if she would let her walls down and start to see that the grass may not be greener on the other side. But that is up to her and i know there is nothing i can do.

I still and always will love her. I don't know if there is anymore hope for this to work out.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

day 75 a new start

Well i was right she didn't want to see me on my b-day. Now i know how much she hates me. I have always tried to make her b-day something fun and nice. I put together two surprise parties her first b-day together with me and her 30Th b-day. I now know that i have no meaning in her life and how much hurt that she has. I just want to scream at the world for this loss of us. How can things have gone so bad in five days we where doing so well. I will always love her and want the best for her. I hate myself for challenging her on Tuesday and the words we said to each other.

My son and i are going to put up the x-mas tree today. That will be fun for him and i know we need to talk to him. To let him know that mommy and daddy are done being friends. I need to try to move forward but the heart wants what the heart wants. She showed yesterday what she wants to be on her own. I respect that she wants to follow her heart and dreams. All i wanted after these days of being sober is to help her with that. She thinks that these are just words and that i will do anything and say anything to hold on to her. But the truth is i do want to help her with her dreams and goals and support her through them and to be there for her. But i wont get that chance to prove it.

I'm a strong, kind, loving man and that's what our son needs. I hope we can still be friends through all of this. I know my world will be always brighter with her in it.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

74 days

Well this is the longest sobriety run i have ever been on. And today is my birthday I'm 36 years old and all alone ever since Thursday night. Happy Birthday i want a divorce. My birthday will always echo that. It feels that my heart has been shredded and pieces are flowing through my blood stream. So i guess the hurt has really set in. Why did i have to challenge her on my feelings even thought it has always been something she has wanted. The only parts of my heart still in place are for my son. At least i have him this weekend. I know i wont see my wife today and that crushes me in the most painful way. It feels like I'm dieing on the inside with only the light of my son guiding me. I still don't have the want to drink, she is not worth my new found sober life. That is so hard to say that my wife isn't worth something to me. I guess i should stop calling her my wife. I don't want this to end i know and she knows there is so much good in this relationship. She still said at dinner on Thursday that there is a big part of her that wants this to work. But it is just to hard and she doesn't have the energy for it. Everyday i wake up and replay all the bad things i have said or did to her. And i know I'm not that person anymore and i try to put it away in a room in my head. But every morning that room is open and those words and feelings flood my senses. The hurt i have caused in her and myself are almost unbearable. But life keeps coming and i do wake up everyday a little stronger because I'm not drinking. It is so hard to know that it took me getting healthy for her to leave. And i do hate that feeling.

I do hope that this could still work, i do hope she can learn to let things go. I hope only for the best for our son. All i can do is hope and let it go.

Things i love
1. my son
2. my support system
3. me
4. his smile and laugh
5. being sober
6. my wife
7. the happy feelings that are left of my time with her
8. her smile her laugh her big forgiving heart
9. being in her arms
10. my wife

Thursday, December 4, 2008

72nd day

Well it is over. My marriage came to an end at dinner for my birthday. The 1000 lbs that has been lifted is surprisingly nice. I now don't have to worry or try to win her back. And what ever happens i can handle it, and stay sober along the way. All new beginnings come from something ending. I feel the strongest that i have in years and i know it is from being sober. When i was drinking i would have drowned the sorrow with beer after beer until i forgot about her. I don't want to forget her the way she smiles the way she laughs the way her hair smelled. And most importantly the way she made me feel she will always be the best thing that has ever happened to me. I had never felt loved in all my life not from my parents not from other girlfriends. She made my world complete she is also the first person that i have ever truly loved and i will always love her. I know i should be mad at her for wanting to end this but I'm not. It might come along later but we are joined for life by the life we have created. And how can i hate someone for giving me the second best thing to happen to me. Our son is the most important thing in the world to us and he needs to know it. Mommy and daddy may not be together but i know we will always do the best for him. And that's what is important to me.

I still hope for the best for each of us. I will pray for nothing but good things for her. But most of all i know good things are in store for me. I have a amazing support group of friends and AA members and a soon to be ex father-in-law who all want the best for me and our son. How can i not be nothing but positive for the future. Iknow that not having her in my life at all would hurt so much more.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

71st day

I think I'm scaring my wife with my new found confidence. Or maybe for the first time I'm challenging her. I have never been one for conflict even if it meant that my needs where not being met. I just want things to run smooth with out ripples in my little world. This book has woken me up a lot how can i make her happy if i was a unhappy drunk. A lot of things have changed in the last two months like the way that i see the world and how i want to fit in it. I still want to be the partner that my wife needs and deserves. There are hings i want to do also like workout, play golf and not feel bad about it. I have needs and i need to take care of them, no one was put on this earth to meet my needs. If my needs are met then i can meet hers, i think that me standing up to her and starting to talk about my feelings and needs. It kind of freaks her out it has been something she has always wanted and now that I'm doing it she doesn't know how to handle it. We had a heated conversation over something last night, i wanted to talk to her about issue. And instead of waiting for it to boil over i calmly brought it up and put it out there. I think it caught her off guard and she said we will talk about it tomorrow. Still waiting to talk to her but i feel that i did the right thing to finally stand up for myself. I hope it doesn't scare her off but so it goes we will see what happens next.

I still hope for the best.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

70 days

Well we had therapy last night. Things do seem to be going better. As i have posted we have kissed the last two times we where together. She said that it was good for her but there is still some hurt there. She wants to wait till after the holidays to make any choices. That means what 29 more days at least of this. It will end well or i will be heart broken. I hope for the first option but it is not up to me. That's what makes it so hard the waiting and of course the unknown. My birthday is Saturday the 6Th i will be 36 years old and the first birthday in 19-20 years sober. The thought of that is so weird it kind of twists my brain like twisting taffy. She doesn't want to be alone with me on that day. That's fine with me i would rather we do something as a family any way. When i decided to quit drinking.I talked to a good friend of mine, Tony on a Friday about AA. It was 9 months for him and his birthday he said it was the best present he could of asked for. I didn't know what he meant by that but i do now.

Monday, December 1, 2008

69 days

Things that feel good

1. watching the sunrise
2. holding my wife
3. playing Thomas the train
4. the warm sun on a cool day
5. a clean house
6. talks with my friends
7. watching my son grow
8. a good hard day of work
9. confidants
10. being sober