Packing. I hate this packing up my stuff and moving it from one place to the next. My son lives at our house and we shuffle in and out every couple of days. The packing is a hard thing for me to do. I know Wednesday i will be going back to my friends house where I'm staying when it is her turn to be with are son. So i have to pack clothes, blankets, a pillow and then think about the next few days away from the place i want to be. It makes me want to pull my very quickly greying hair out. What is it about packing that is so unbearable. Before packing meant going on a trip so the anticipation was fun, but this kind just flat out sucks. My moving in and out of my sons life is just wearing me down. I just want to be here for him all the time it is the one feeling i can't shake on a daily basis. Knowing that i can't pick him up and hug him play. Thomas the train with him and see the daily growth in him is so hard. This separation is making him act out the not knowing who is going to be there the next day makes him sad(as sad as a three year old can be until he sees his trains then he is happy). But even watching him play with his trains and seeing how they hit one and the other is hard on me. Knowing my drinking has pushed my wife and my relationship to the brink. I can't help but to think this is all my fault. Why didn't i pull my head out sooner maybe we would be in a better spot. I do think my wife needs this time a way to cool down and it is hard on both of us. She has said she misses me and wants this to work, but this time a way is so hard.
I gave my wife my 1 month chip from AA to symbolize my new trust in myself and belief in us. Then when i left i asked her to carry it and to think about the good in me that she can see coming back. I just found it in the laundry room on the floor. I believe she just dropped it but the rush of self doubt is overwhelming right now. I can see the scared little boy in me starting to come out. What if see left it on purpose or didn't care if she lost it. I believe this is all bull but i can't help it. These are the feeling i must change in me to have faith in her, i know she just dropped it . Put these thoughts a way and move on, easy to type but hard to do.
My 2 month chip is coming on Sunday I think I'm going to add it to the 24 hour one around my neck. So i can remember the pain i have caused my wife these last 7 years. One chip for hope and the other to remind me of what my drinking can do to the ones i love.
Hope and faith in us is all i have right now. It is starting to feel good to be me again.
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a mans new world of living with out alcohol
2 comments:
i can hear it's hard. why are humans his way... push their boundaries to the limit before pulling back and trying to fix it. i was the same. but thankfully you have reached the point of returning and fixing. don't give up.
I see the best in this--that she dropped it. And I understand the fear and the need for approval. I now realize that the approval I wanted rested within me and that my HP gave me unconditional approval.
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