Holy crap. 1:47 am. I was just starting to finally relax enough to try to get some sleep. Something from AA popped into me head " Keep coming back it WORKS IF YOU WORK IT." Then I said the serenity prayer and it just hit me right in the face. It works if you work it, the serenity prayer " God, grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change, courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Then a comment from my friend Aaron on my first blog "Attitude with gratitude." I sat up the sledgehammer felling went a way, i had the damn answer around my neck, my new support group and a old friend i had the answers the whole time. While sitting there in bed my son came running into my room and jumped into bed, he snuggled into me and said "I love you daddy." I hugged him and kissed him on the forehead and said thank you i love you to. Then he was a sleep, me not even close to sleep again but for the first time in three weeks the first sliver of happiness creeped into my heart. I can not change the things i have said and done to my wife or the things my son has witnessed. I can not take them back, what i can do is learn from them and not make the same mistakes. It does take courage to change, the only way a turtle can go forward is by sticking his neck out. I WILL NOT DRINK again my first mistake i can change, getting back to the normal happy person that i am another change i can make. Even though the sledgehammer effect has lifted it has been replaced by a fist to the gut. This second fog has also evaporated from my head the doubt in me, the anger at myself although not all of that yet. The grief and self loathing has defiantly softened i felt like me for the first time since entering AA. I like me, my friends like me, my SON LOVES me what more can a father ask. I was taking this fear of the unknown and this hatred for myself and projecting it on the ones i love. No wonder my wife left and is unhappy how can she believe in someone who is not believing in them self. I am still doing the wrong things and not even noticing them myself. The wisdom to know the difference that is the key to my sober success. I need to not be so damn hard on myself and stop kicking my own ass, thank you brother Kerby for that wisdom. How is a man to move forward if he can not forget the past what was... was. I need to let go of this power of holding onto how everyone else has wronged me. The toughest thing to do is to look into the mirror and evaluate the person looking back. Right now i do not like the person looking back at me that is another thing i can change. Tonight i have to drop off my son with his grandpa and spend the night alone in my house. Yesterday i was terrified about that, today it is a opportunity to grow and start to take my life back.
I drilled a hole into my first 24 hour chip and made a necklace out of it to remind me of my new sober life. That little thing now means so much more to me. It now means to take control of my life it's time to stop the self doubt and be the man i know i am. I would not give my wife a second chance if she had this attitude, so why would she. I am a smart, funny, loving and a caring man and pretty damn good looking if do say so myself LOL. I started this blog to get all of these crappy feelings out of me, i didn't think it would really work. It feels good to be me right now the feeling of joy. Maybe god does work in different ways, god there is a whole different blog to tackle at another time.
All i can do is hope for another chance with my wife and hope she can start to see this new me the real me again. This still sucks being separated but i can not change the way she feels about me, but i can change me. And a big question to ask is do i let my wife read this stuff.
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a mans new world of living with out alcohol
3 comments:
you're sounding good. hubby read my blog right in the beginning, through the struggle, and it helped him to understand some stuff, and i could 'say' things to him i couldn't verbalise. it helped. now, however, he's questioning things i write, and it feels kinda like he's checking up on me. he can't understand that i only need to feel (or have felt it in the past) something, to write it. it doesn't mean it's happening right now... so, i don't have a straight answer for you here... stay strong!
It sounds to me like you are on the right track. You are taking care of your sobriety which has to come first. Focus on that and working the program. All else will fall into place.
Hi there RC...and welcome...and keep coming...and don't leave before the miracle happens...and and this too shall pass...and all that stuff. You sure have brought me back. All I can say is that you MUST put getting sober before all else or you won't get sober. Whatever happens as long as you are sober, it will be more tolerable than anything you would experience out there. And lastly, my experience is that there is nothing wrong with hope, its the expectations that will kill us...
As you go through the steps you will find that all that fear, self loathing and anger will be replaced with a happy, joyous and free life regardless of the circumstances. If anyone ever told me 17 months ago I would be spewing this stuff I never would have believed them. But I am..and tired and frustrated as I am today...it's all good. Good to meetcha
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