63 days

I'm having the hardest time sleeping. Every night i go to bed and finally start to sleep, i keep having these horrible dreams about my wife. And this ending, i don't know if it's the negativity I'm not letting in to my daily life rule me. I feel it's my mind getting back at me in my sleep when i can't stop it. I wake up in a cold sweat that encases my body in fear and self doubt. This fear and doubt just rips my heart and soul to shreds because this is my world now. It takes me 45-60 minutes to relax enough to go back to sleep. This feeling is so hard to shake and i don't want to go to sleep. The funny thing is i hardly ever remember my dreams but these last five days have been so difficult on me.

I had dinner with my wife and son last night and it was so nice to spend time with them both. My son was so happy that we where all eating together again it made it imposable to want to leave. I held it together long enough to get to the car before i lost it. My wife and i talked some and paid the bills together something we have never done before. All this stuff makes it so hard to leave and come over to my friends house. I don't want to be here and i appreciate his help but being away is so grinding. And i know he knows how i feel he has gone through the same thing before and his relationship ended. He did make me promise him something that if my wife and i can work this out. Take hold of that second chance and never let it go because it is something he never had, his second chance. His wife was done the minute they separated, she was listening to bad advice from her mother and friends. In these blogs i do try not to judge or speculate on what she is doing or who she is hanging out with. I know she has single friends telling her to leave me that I'm a bum and a loser. But all they know is the bad me not the caring and loving side of me. All I'm doing is trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other and stay on this good, solid and positive path i am on. This is the right path for me and the choices i am making are the right ones for me. Even if we get back together i still need to do things that i like to do and do them for me. I need to go golfing, to go out with friends and not feel sorry for doing it. She needs to go do things that are important to her and i can't get upset over it. Family is very important to me but some of my time needs to be for me also. My wife has said this for years but a brain full of hops and barley never listened. And now I'm learning all of these things when it might be to late. All i can do is continue to learn from my past and move down this better path.