I started drinking when i was 15-16 years old what could a few beers on the weekend hurt. Half way through my 16th year i was up to 20-24 beers on a Friday or Saturday night. My friends and i then got our lunch hour off so we had a hour and a half to kill. And if your killing time why not do it drinking. So lunch turned in to 6-8 beers a day, beer was always in my system. I breezed through high school and took a year off before going to college. In that year i worked to drink, my reward for working and i was hammered every weekend.Then off to college where my drinking career really took off. If high school is suppose to get you ready for college i was more then ready. After my first semester i joined a fraternity not the smartest thing to do for a thriving drunk. After a lot of parties and getting laid i thought that this was greet. I went to detox on my 21st birthday with blood alcohol level of .38 and blew .00 by three o'clock the next day. They said that i must drink a lot to have my body process that amount of booze in such a short time. Then i meet a girl who had a drunk for a father so me getting hammered on a Tuesday was normal to her. I got to drink when and how much i wanted, i know there was no future with her but i was doing what i wanted. i left her and moved on still drinking but not as much. I meet my wife at 28 the words i can use here do not explain her. She is a caring, loving , smart ,hot, strong and intelligent woman. We partied and had a lot of fun at first. She did not like me drinking all the time, so i would get very verbally abuse of. There are things i have said to her i would not say to my worse enemy. A lot of the time i would have to be told what i said the night before. i quit drinking the summer of 07 and it was the best are marriage ever was. Then i thought i could control it and started drinking again. Boy was i wrong it took a long while before i said anything mean to her but the patterns started all over again. September 23, 08 i let her have it over something that was so stupid that i can't even remember what it was about. The next day o told myself i was done my drinking career was over i can't keep doing this to the woman who means the world to me. I have a friend who is in AA and i joined that Saturday it has been 49 days since my last drink. Now my world is upside down we have separated and i don't blame her for it. She is so angry at me for the last 7 years i don't know if we will work it out. I love her so much and i know there is not enough I'm sorry, in the world to make up for what i have done. There is nothing in the world i wouldn't do to make every thing right with her. I want this marriage to work and we are in therapy to try to work through this. I just pray that i have not done to much damage to it.
To not be with her cuts the very essents of my soul. I know i will not drink again but to prove it to her is another thing. I miss my 3 year old son. There has not been a time in the last three days that i have not broke down crying. Now that the fog has lifted from my brain i see what is important and i truly want to be the partner she needs. i love her so much and not being with her makes me hate myself. The guilt is like having a mountain on my shoulders crushing every move i make. The anger that i have at myself for everything wants to consume me. i can't get all the things i have done out of my head all the words i have said to the woman i love. All i can do is hope my wife can forgive me again and i know that alcohol will not be the problem ever again. I'm a lost soul in my own life full of my own mistakes.
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a mans new world of living with out alcohol
5 comments:
WOW did you just write my story? Read "The Family Afterwards" and "To Wives" in the Big Book. It really helped me understand what they were going trough as I got sober. Your last line, "I'm a lost soul in my own life full of my own mistakes" is about the most perfect description I have ever heard about how it feels in early sobriety. When I was about 3 months sober I just wanted to skip all the steps up to #9 and make amends to my family. I was crushed by guilt over all of the wreckage I never knew I did but realized when the fog cleared. It was at this time when a member of my group told me that I was already starting that process by staying sober, going to meetings and healing myself. "Living amends" he called it. The bonus is that I never get to be done with that one. I'm greatful my family allows me to stay in their lives so I can perform that one every day. This is the pot calling the kettle black but don't kick your own ass so much. Try and mix in a little gratitude that you are man enough to decide to go for the solution to the problem. You may not feel it right now for yourself but I'm damn proud of you. Getting sober in our circle of friends is no small feat at all.
Love,
Brother Kerby
I hope that you'll keep going to meetings and work with a sponsor. Your story is similar to my story. I wasn't the alcoholic but I had a lot of anger, just as your wife has. It helped me to get into Al-Anon and learn to work on my own recovery.
You are guilty of plagiarism, because you used MY words--for YOUR story-grin
Just kidding, but illustrating that you "are not alone!"Many, many of us have been RIGHT where you are today. AND it is NOT fun.
I have found (as you will have to find, but it takes time) that the only way to make an amend in these kinds of cases is by your actions and behavior FROM NOW ON. Ya cannot change the past!
I was told this philosophy:
What is...IS.
What was.....WAS.
What ain't........AIN'T!
Good luck, stay close to your sponsor and AA group.
Steve E.
I have advice for you would take days and days just to tell you. Take what you want and toss the rest. I do not know where to begin except that you are on the the right track. The eating, sleep, and happiness will slowly come back and I know it seems that it will never be "good" again.... It helps to start being grateful for everything you do have in your life. Ask yourself what can you be grateful for in every situation. It is work to have an attitude of gratitude.. Just start and in a short period of time you'll have developed the "attitude of gratitude" and with it come peace.
My thoughts and prayers are with you every day.
Love,
Aaron
p.s. Thanks for being a TRUE friend for a really, really long time.
hiya, i came over from banana girl. welcome!
we were all lost souls at some stage, but we have to start somewhere, right? congratulations, you have started. guilt, fear, shame, remorse, all of it will come crashing down on you. i did on me... and it took time, a lot of time, of admitting, learning, feeling the pain, before it started lifting. forgiving yourself is where you have to start. i couldn't even attempt to try and fix my marriage and the harm i did to my son, before i fixed myself. you can't fix another if you are not whole... good luck on your journey. take it one day at a time. i'm holding thumbs for you. your wife. your son.
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