I couldn't wait for tomorrow. What a strange date, i brought her a flower something i wouldn't of done drinking because it was all about me. She looked just amazing this hat she had on was WOW. She is the most beautiful woman in the world to me and i could not help but to tell her with every chance i had. It was uncomfortable at first the tension was very high. Then she let down her wall and told me what way she was leaning in are relationship. It wasn't what i wanted to hear, she is leaning towards divorce. The sledgehammer hit me again right in the chest full force. My wind was gone, but it was also something i wanted to know. She is leaning that way because of all the hurt she has endeared over the years between her mother and from me. She doesn't want to be a victim anymore, and i don't want to hurt her anymore. I talked about what was going on with me and my changes and how i can see this relationship work. The summer i quit drinking was the best time we had ever had together. it was amazing, but i want us to be better then that summer, that is just the foundation. I have always been told that i have a big heart and that i should really just follow it. As all alcoholics i never saw it in me to be true. I do believe in me and my big heart and that it won't lead me astray. And i know now she needs time to see if i do follow it and then she can maybe start to trust me again. Over the course of dinner we laughed and we cried. She did say that she wants this to still work but i have to be true to me before she can believe me.
My big heart just wants to hold her and protect her from the world. To be the defender she has never had. My big heart wants me to finally start to see and live up to the potential that everyone else can see. My thick skull and small brain needs to get out of the way. My big heart needs to be what i follow and i know that this is the right choice. If i follow my heart things will go the way that i want them to go. For better or worse with her.
I need to get out of the way of me to be me.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
you made me smile and cry too. like you say, you can only be true to another, if you're true to yourself. you have so much insight and had so many realisations. now you need time. to become yourself and for her to see that new person. if you want it badly enough, you'll make it happen. you have your big heart after all. use it. i feel like i could give you a huge big hug of hope and sunshine. you'll get there! my gut tells me so...
It does take time. I thought that I wanted a divorce too. I had enough of the drunks in my life. But in the long run, after therapy, after Al-Anon, I found that I still loved my wife a lot. I trust her now. I realize that I do want us to be together for the long term. It takes time to get the good feelings back. It took us over a year. The first year of sobriety is a mess. Heads are scrambled and everyone wants to make rash decisions. I was told not to make any decisions for at least a year. I hope that your wife finds Al-Anon and begins her own recovery.
Work those steps for as much as your worth. The changes that come to us as we work those 12 steps are amazing.
Don't expect instant change. They come slowly, simply and subtly. Others will see them in us before we do.
One day at a time.
Post a Comment