Wednesday, November 19, 2008
day 57
I have to write a letter of amends to my wife for all the things i have done. How do you say I'm sorry for everything when your sorry doesn't mean much. I just finished my letter of amends to my wife i feel so small. She is having people over at our house and i want to be there so bad. i miss my wife, the smell of her hair, the goosebumps she gets when i gently tickle her ribs. The funny look she has when she gets up, her humor, her walk the way only she can look at me. I miss her so much. I love you honey
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4 comments:
if you want something bad enough, you'll make it happen. just a little patience.... and write that letter. put your heart in it. it frees you, releases your pain, gives you the ability to move on.
Tell her out loud just what you wrote...she will melt. I did and I am not even related to you....powerful stuff. J.
My wife told me she never ever wanted to hear the word sorry again. After all the pain I had caused her, all the hurt I had created in my addictions, all the times I said I was sorry and I would change and I didn't. All those deeply heartfelt words that I would give her that ultimately didn't mean anything.
While I was in treatment, she started to use the divorce word, her pain so evident. She had supported me through much and was ready to give up. I was just too painful to get close to.
She decided to stay and is still with me. I've been sober for 900+ days. It was the living amends that works. Not the words. Actions speak louder than sorry.
Have I become selfless and caring for others, for her? To be honest, there are days when our relationship is wonderful, and somedays, especially when my character defects are forefront, it's just like when I was drinking. My thinking goes a little crazy. I don't want to portray that it gets easier but it does get better. Today, when I say sorry, I can mean it.
It's hard work, both staying sober and staying in a relationship. It's hard work and it's worth it.
One day at a time.
Making amends is about changing behavior. The letter and the face to face amends are important. And the behavioral change through the program is the most important. Keep doing what you are doing.
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