Sunday, November 30, 2008

68 days

Things i love

1. my wife
2. my son
3. her smile
4. his smile
5. her laugh
6. his laugh
7. my clear thinking
8. my new path
9. hugs
10. kissing my wife, like tonight

day 66

Just for you Kerby.
To sad to blog that day
Love you man

Saturday, November 29, 2008

day 67

It feels really good to be me. I have been reading this book called No More Mr. Nice guy at first i thought i didn't need it. I needed the book No More Mr. a--hole. What a difference it has made in me. It basically talks about taking control of your life again with the needs that you have. I have started by being firm and assertive and telling my wife my needs. I do know that i can not be overbearing and mean, but i do have needs. I was always thinking of her needs and of our sons needs before mine. I like to play golf and i would feel so guilty about leaving them, so i would drink more to drowned the guilt. Then i would get home and be in trouble for drinking to much then i would really feel bad for going. Or i would be like see i can't go do anything i want without getting in trouble for it. How crazy is that i also know my wife has needs to go do things and i would be like see she doesn't want to spend time with me. That is even crazier she needs to go do things also. Two people that work together is a relationship, not one person feeling sorry for them self. I really feel my confidants coming back at a high rate of speed. This is so good but also a Little scary. To much confidantes made me start drinking again in 07. I now have a really good support system to fall back on and help with that urge. I do not want to drink ever again and lose what i could have in my family. But it is so nice to have that swagger back again. Since i started drinking again and now have stopped again i have really lost a lot of me. It feels so good to have it coming back and i am starting to open my world back up. I don't ever want to go down that road again i want to stay on the good path. This blog feels so good to help pour out my emotions. I really love all the comments and positive feed back, Shadow, Banana Girl, Tony, Aaron, Indistinct, Shannon and Syd you guys rock. I thank you so much and Richard i do love the phone calls.

I have nothing but hope for me and my wife. Damn it feels good to be me!

Thursday, November 27, 2008

65 days

Well i had thanksgiving with my wife and family. We went to get some coffee and to talk. She still doesn't believe in me and doesn't want to take that leap of faith with me. The rest of the visit went pretty good and it was very easy to be myself around her and her family. It was so hard to leave the place i so wanted to be at. Why the hell is everything so hard. My son started to get upset that i was leaving after spending the day as a family. I miss my son and want nothing but the best for him. We talked about the fact we don't want another man or woman raising our son. I just want to be a family why is that so hard. Why did i take so long to get sober, why did i start drinking again the summer of 07. Why am i doing everything right and healing myself and the rest of my world sucks. Why. Why. Why. Those questions are killing me right now. I know i need to slow down and take it one day at a time. And to just breath. What happens will happen and i have no control over any of it.

Thank you Aaron for the talk i needed it.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

64 days

My wife doesn't believe in me. What a hard pill to swallow. I know it will just take time and all that but it still hurt to hear. The only person i have ever truly loved or felt loved by doesn't believe in me. Th sadness that tried to over take me was so strong and i fought it of with the serenity prayer. The chip it left on my shoulder was what surprised me the well you don't believe me i will show you. I can stay sober and i will stay true to my words. I want nothing more to be her support person her go to guy, the man she has always wanted. I want her to dream big and believe that i will help her get there. I want to see her reach her goals and to see me and our son standing there for her.

I want a lot of things but it has to start with the time i need to give her now.

I still hope for the best and belive that we are a great couple and good for each other.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

63 days

I'm having the hardest time sleeping. Every night i go to bed and finally start to sleep, i keep having these horrible dreams about my wife. And this ending, i don't know if it's the negativity I'm not letting in to my daily life rule me. I feel it's my mind getting back at me in my sleep when i can't stop it. I wake up in a cold sweat that encases my body in fear and self doubt. This fear and doubt just rips my heart and soul to shreds because this is my world now. It takes me 45-60 minutes to relax enough to go back to sleep. This feeling is so hard to shake and i don't want to go to sleep. The funny thing is i hardly ever remember my dreams but these last five days have been so difficult on me.

I had dinner with my wife and son last night and it was so nice to spend time with them both. My son was so happy that we where all eating together again it made it imposable to want to leave. I held it together long enough to get to the car before i lost it. My wife and i talked some and paid the bills together something we have never done before. All this stuff makes it so hard to leave and come over to my friends house. I don't want to be here and i appreciate his help but being away is so grinding. And i know he knows how i feel he has gone through the same thing before and his relationship ended. He did make me promise him something that if my wife and i can work this out. Take hold of that second chance and never let it go because it is something he never had, his second chance. His wife was done the minute they separated, she was listening to bad advice from her mother and friends. In these blogs i do try not to judge or speculate on what she is doing or who she is hanging out with. I know she has single friends telling her to leave me that I'm a bum and a loser. But all they know is the bad me not the caring and loving side of me. All I'm doing is trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other and stay on this good, solid and positive path i am on. This is the right path for me and the choices i am making are the right ones for me. Even if we get back together i still need to do things that i like to do and do them for me. I need to go golfing, to go out with friends and not feel sorry for doing it. She needs to go do things that are important to her and i can't get upset over it. Family is very important to me but some of my time needs to be for me also. My wife has said this for years but a brain full of hops and barley never listened. And now I'm learning all of these things when it might be to late. All i can do is continue to learn from my past and move down this better path.

Monday, November 24, 2008

62 days

Well I'm at home today my son is under the weather. It is so nice to spend more time with him and of course play Thomas the train. I have talked to so many people the last three days, from friends to AA members. They all say the same keep your head up what ever happens will happen. Stop killing yourself with the what ifs and the future. But the heart wants what the heart wants and right now can not have. I have really messed things up, and it still hurts. But it is not all my fault. My therapist said right know you are interviewing for the job of your life. Maybe you will get it maybe you wont but stay the course. Stay sober don't give her any more reasons to end this and just give her space. Staying positive is the key it feels so good to just laugh when some of the time all i want to do is cry. It's going to be really hard to leave tonight to leave him. I made my wife a play list of songs that meant so much to us. Like Lifehouse, Alicia Keys, the Bodeans, Sarah, Coldplay and the Counting Crows. The first summer we where dating the Counting Crows put on a show. I really wanted to go she wasn't a big Crows fan yet. She bought us tickets as a surprise for me , that's when i knew she was so special. No one Had ever did anything so nice for me in my whole life. I love her so much and i miss her with all my heart. This is my life, i want what i can't have to hold her, to kiss her forehead, to look into those blue eyes and get lost in are love again.

The sober part is easy i have never wanted to do anything so bad in all of my life. To never see my son in that haze of beer soaked eyes. To really look at all the really small important changes that are starting in him. To tickle him and hear that wonderful sound, to hear the words i love you daddy. The hugs and the kisses and to watch the whole world start to open up to him is amazing. He is so smart and funny and of course good looking like his daddy(haha). My world will always revolve around him and what he needs, so strange for someone who didn't know if he wanted kids. My world will be forever brighter because of that little man and to leave him really hurts. This part time parenting is the worst, i want to be with him all the time. But "so it goes" to quote Slaughter House 5. I need to finish cleaning the house, the one thing that never ends.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

61 days

I earned my two month chip today. Like i posted i drilled a hole into it and added it to the 24 hour one around my neck. This chip is to remind me of what i have done and now lost do to drinking. I shouldn't say lost yet but looks that way. I feel like I'm rowing a boat and i have to keep it straight and going in the direction that i want it to go. My wife is on the dock watching me to see if i can keep it going in that direction so maybe she could start to believe in me again. So that's what I'm going to do even if she wants to leave i need to keep my boat moving forward. Follow my heart and i can't go wrong. Even though my heart wants what it can't have. Thanksgiving is coming up and we are going to her fathers house. I feel like the spot light is going to be on me so she can start to listen with her eyes and see what changes i have made.

My birthday is coming up also and on that day i will have my son. What better b-day present can a part time father ask for a fun day with his son. When that day comes it will be the longest sober run i have had in the last 20 years. I have spent time to go back and read my blogs and i wonder how i have got to this point. All the remorse is slowly slipping out of my system. The self hating comes and goes as it wishes but I'm not kicking my ass for it anymore. What happens in the future is not in my control but i do feel in control of me. It feels so good to type that to see the happiness start to take over my body and thoughts. This still sucks but there is nothing i can do but to keep rowing my boat and hope my wife will forgive me. I do feel like i will turn around and she will be gone for she is at the banks now. Hopefully still watching, our therapist says we are in the same boat just rowing different directions. I miss her so much and my b-day will be missing something with her not there. But hey that's in the future.

I still hope all will end well but...

Saturday, November 22, 2008

60 days

Things I'm grateful for:

1. Being sober and starting to see the world again
2. My son, my inspiration to stay on this track
3. My support system of friends and AA members
4. The new relationship with my father-in-law
5. The new found spirit in me to be a better man
6. Using this blog to get my feelings out
7. Watching the sunrise
8. Thomas the train and the hours of playing with my son
9. Finding the woman of my dreams
10. Doing this for me

I know I'm in control of me and that's all i can control

Friday, November 21, 2008

59 days

Well my wife wants this marriage to be over. She wants it to be over because she knows that i will hurt her again. How can you convince someone that you love so much that you don't want to hurt them. Even though that is all that you have done. I know it is impossible to go through a relationship with out someone getting hurt at sometime. Feelings are going to get hurt even if it happens on accident. I have never woke up in the morning with the goal to hurt my wife. It has always been a reaction to me to lash out and that's what i need to change. I know that i control my future by not drinking and i have a very good control on that. Not once has the thought of having one entered my mind in the last month when all of this started to surface with her. I know she is so proud of me for entering AA the smile on her face said it all last night. I know she loves me but is not in love with me. I know this relationship can work. I know that i will never intently hurt her with words that a drunk would say. I know that it would be best for us to live together and raise are son. I know that my love for her will never fade even when we divorce and she will own the rights to my heart for a long time. I know we can not move in that direction until she figures her self out first but does she want to try, that is the question.

My priorities are :
1. Staying sober
2A. My son
2B. Supporting my wife
3. My job

The future of this relationship looks very bleak.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

58 days part 2

I couldn't wait for tomorrow. What a strange date, i brought her a flower something i wouldn't of done drinking because it was all about me. She looked just amazing this hat she had on was WOW. She is the most beautiful woman in the world to me and i could not help but to tell her with every chance i had. It was uncomfortable at first the tension was very high. Then she let down her wall and told me what way she was leaning in are relationship. It wasn't what i wanted to hear, she is leaning towards divorce. The sledgehammer hit me again right in the chest full force. My wind was gone, but it was also something i wanted to know. She is leaning that way because of all the hurt she has endeared over the years between her mother and from me. She doesn't want to be a victim anymore, and i don't want to hurt her anymore. I talked about what was going on with me and my changes and how i can see this relationship work. The summer i quit drinking was the best time we had ever had together. it was amazing, but i want us to be better then that summer, that is just the foundation. I have always been told that i have a big heart and that i should really just follow it. As all alcoholics i never saw it in me to be true. I do believe in me and my big heart and that it won't lead me astray. And i know now she needs time to see if i do follow it and then she can maybe start to trust me again. Over the course of dinner we laughed and we cried. She did say that she wants this to still work but i have to be true to me before she can believe me.

My big heart just wants to hold her and protect her from the world. To be the defender she has never had. My big heart wants me to finally start to see and live up to the potential that everyone else can see. My thick skull and small brain needs to get out of the way. My big heart needs to be what i follow and i know that this is the right choice. If i follow my heart things will go the way that i want them to go. For better or worse with her.

I need to get out of the way of me to be me.

58 days

It's date night tonight. We are suppose to approach tonight as a first date, and i just want to have fun. I need my wife to see that we can still have fun together and the changes that are happening to me. That they are real and to see the man I'm becoming and hopefully see will. If not i still need to make these changes for me to be the man that can look into the mirror and like what he sees. The questions of the unknown future are the hardest what if we down the road get divorced any way. I can say at least we tried to put are best foot forward and went for it. I don't want to live with the regret of at least not trying it out. But we have to get to that point first. And who knows maybe it starts tonight with a new first date. I will let you know how it went tomorrow.

All i can do is be myself and let the cards fall where they may

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

day 57

I have to write a letter of amends to my wife for all the things i have done. How do you say I'm sorry for everything when your sorry doesn't mean much. I just finished my letter of amends to my wife i feel so small. She is having people over at our house and i want to be there so bad. i miss my wife, the smell of her hair, the goosebumps she gets when i gently tickle her ribs. The funny look she has when she gets up, her humor, her walk the way only she can look at me. I miss her so much. I love you honey

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

56 days

Confidants. Did you know that there is a big world out there. It is amazing what you learn when you are not looking at the top of your shoes when walking around. I can fell the trust in myself coming back. Trust that's a hard one for a alcoholic to regain, don't get to high because it is a long fall to the bottom again. I'm a pretty big guy and i can hold my own in a lot of situations. But it was a liquid that completely controlled me and my actions. My dreams and goals where set on a pretty low bar. My wife hayed that fact about me, why is it that everyone else can see the potently in you but you. You would think that me if anyone would know me. How could that be any farther from the truth. This rediscovery in myself is so weird and strange. I know what i like to do like hiking for example but i hated it when i was drinking. That meant getting up a doing things i wanted to go do, but it was so far a way from the store. This past 56 days i have really started to see the little things again. The fact that i get paid to see the sun rise(the only true guaranty in life). How many times in a day i can make people laugh or laugh at myself. The countless smiles on my sons face and his many silly laughs. I know that today is still young and I'm starting to see the little things again. What else can a man like me do but go out and embrace it and really start to enjoy it again. Alcohol can take so many things away from you, starting with how you define yourself. I know it is early in the AM and my day can go any sort of way. But I'm the only one who can let myself get mad or upset. The right mind set is such a important thing for recovery. There is this very young kid in my group that shows up on Saturday that said "i need to keep life uncomfortable because if i don't i will start all over again". How can he be so wise in that fact which took me 35 years to learn.

I have hope and faith my wife and i will work this out.

Monday, November 17, 2008

day 55

Packing. I hate this packing up my stuff and moving it from one place to the next. My son lives at our house and we shuffle in and out every couple of days. The packing is a hard thing for me to do. I know Wednesday i will be going back to my friends house where I'm staying when it is her turn to be with are son. So i have to pack clothes, blankets, a pillow and then think about the next few days away from the place i want to be. It makes me want to pull my very quickly greying hair out. What is it about packing that is so unbearable. Before packing meant going on a trip so the anticipation was fun, but this kind just flat out sucks. My moving in and out of my sons life is just wearing me down. I just want to be here for him all the time it is the one feeling i can't shake on a daily basis. Knowing that i can't pick him up and hug him play. Thomas the train with him and see the daily growth in him is so hard. This separation is making him act out the not knowing who is going to be there the next day makes him sad(as sad as a three year old can be until he sees his trains then he is happy). But even watching him play with his trains and seeing how they hit one and the other is hard on me. Knowing my drinking has pushed my wife and my relationship to the brink. I can't help but to think this is all my fault. Why didn't i pull my head out sooner maybe we would be in a better spot. I do think my wife needs this time a way to cool down and it is hard on both of us. She has said she misses me and wants this to work, but this time a way is so hard.

I gave my wife my 1 month chip from AA to symbolize my new trust in myself and belief in us. Then when i left i asked her to carry it and to think about the good in me that she can see coming back. I just found it in the laundry room on the floor. I believe she just dropped it but the rush of self doubt is overwhelming right now. I can see the scared little boy in me starting to come out. What if see left it on purpose or didn't care if she lost it. I believe this is all bull but i can't help it. These are the feeling i must change in me to have faith in her, i know she just dropped it . Put these thoughts a way and move on, easy to type but hard to do.

My 2 month chip is coming on Sunday I think I'm going to add it to the 24 hour one around my neck. So i can remember the pain i have caused my wife these last 7 years. One chip for hope and the other to remind me of what my drinking can do to the ones i love.

Hope and faith in us is all i have right now. It is starting to feel good to be me again.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

day 53 and 54 days

Perspective. How can things change for the positive? Just a lot of praying and hope and therapy. My wife's homework for the week was to right me a letter and tell me about all the hurt i have caused her. I knew most of it but i didn't know how deep and how fresh the wounds still where. I cried a lot, just to look at her and remember all of the things she was talking about. It was like tearing a old band aid off when it has been on the skin for to long. The rest of the band aid is all sticky and slick but the blood from the cut has dried to the paper. When you pull it off the cut reopens and feels even deeper and bleeds a lot more. But the wound is healing and is getting smaller and just like ever thing it just needs time. It will fully heal and leave a scar as a reminder of what and how it got there. All you can do is redress it and try to move forward. That is when the real healing begins but that scar is important to remember.

This separation was such a negative for me at the start. How can we work on us if we are not together. But if we are not right with are self how can we be right with any one else. Time does heal all wounds and being away from her makes me want to be the right man for me and her. I know i will never drink again and it creeps into my mind like a unwanted cold breeze. But if you have on the right clothes the cold can't over take you. I need to keep it right in my head and understand the way this genetic defect works and the evils that come with it. I have a amazing support group of friends and my wives father is a huge influence on me. If there is any one person who should be mad at me it is him, for the way i have treated his little girl. But he is not and he just wants us to be together and happy because that what she wants. There is so many people i can let down by drinking again starting with myself. Are friend have said we love Rich when he is sober but after a few he can be a real dick. I always had the attitude of screw them i do what i want. When they really could see the scared little boy i would become after a few. Clarity of the mind is a powerful thing and with the right mind set and attitude i can do anything. That is something hard for me to believe but it is starting to come around. The self doubt that comes with drinking is a wicked and cruel companion of alcohol.

Friday, November 14, 2008

52 days

that is how i feel today

Thursday, November 13, 2008

day 51

Holy crap. 1:47 am. I was just starting to finally relax enough to try to get some sleep. Something from AA popped into me head " Keep coming back it WORKS IF YOU WORK IT." Then I said the serenity prayer and it just hit me right in the face. It works if you work it, the serenity prayer " God, grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change, courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Then a comment from my friend Aaron on my first blog "Attitude with gratitude." I sat up the sledgehammer felling went a way, i had the damn answer around my neck, my new support group and a old friend i had the answers the whole time. While sitting there in bed my son came running into my room and jumped into bed, he snuggled into me and said "I love you daddy." I hugged him and kissed him on the forehead and said thank you i love you to. Then he was a sleep, me not even close to sleep again but for the first time in three weeks the first sliver of happiness creeped into my heart. I can not change the things i have said and done to my wife or the things my son has witnessed. I can not take them back, what i can do is learn from them and not make the same mistakes. It does take courage to change, the only way a turtle can go forward is by sticking his neck out. I WILL NOT DRINK again my first mistake i can change, getting back to the normal happy person that i am another change i can make. Even though the sledgehammer effect has lifted it has been replaced by a fist to the gut. This second fog has also evaporated from my head the doubt in me, the anger at myself although not all of that yet. The grief and self loathing has defiantly softened i felt like me for the first time since entering AA. I like me, my friends like me, my SON LOVES me what more can a father ask. I was taking this fear of the unknown and this hatred for myself and projecting it on the ones i love. No wonder my wife left and is unhappy how can she believe in someone who is not believing in them self. I am still doing the wrong things and not even noticing them myself. The wisdom to know the difference that is the key to my sober success. I need to not be so damn hard on myself and stop kicking my own ass, thank you brother Kerby for that wisdom. How is a man to move forward if he can not forget the past what was... was. I need to let go of this power of holding onto how everyone else has wronged me. The toughest thing to do is to look into the mirror and evaluate the person looking back. Right now i do not like the person looking back at me that is another thing i can change. Tonight i have to drop off my son with his grandpa and spend the night alone in my house. Yesterday i was terrified about that, today it is a opportunity to grow and start to take my life back.

I drilled a hole into my first 24 hour chip and made a necklace out of it to remind me of my new sober life. That little thing now means so much more to me. It now means to take control of my life it's time to stop the self doubt and be the man i know i am. I would not give my wife a second chance if she had this attitude, so why would she. I am a smart, funny, loving and a caring man and pretty damn good looking if do say so myself LOL. I started this blog to get all of these crappy feelings out of me, i didn't think it would really work. It feels good to be me right now the feeling of joy. Maybe god does work in different ways, god there is a whole different blog to tackle at another time.

All i can do is hope for another chance with my wife and hope she can start to see this new me the real me again. This still sucks being separated but i can not change the way she feels about me, but i can change me. And a big question to ask is do i let my wife read this stuff.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

50 days

wow 50 days. The things that have changed. This feeling that someone has hit me in the chest with a sledgehammer. Is unbearable every waking moment i feel like i can't breath, eat and of course sleep. This separation is tearing me in half how can i prove to my wife the man I'm changing into when she is not here. How do i support her if i can't hold her. I'm at home for the first tome since Sunday, is this really a home? Or is it just a shell of a home, that looks nice on the outside but the inside is falling apart. Or is that just how i feel, my insides are all over the place my soul feels empty like this house. I know I'm a good man when i am not looking for all of the answers in the bottom of all the wrong bottles. Or is it that i am to scared to be the man that i truly want to be. The loving husband the great father the provider of love and support for the two people that mean the most to me. How can i do this when all i can do is kick the crap out of my self on a minute by minute basis. I have never felt this low in all my life i want to paint a bulls eye on my whole body and tear every part of me apart. The loss of this woman is a unbearable self inflected prison. I know that it is not all my fault but how do i stop all the guilt that floods my very being all the time. Everyone says I'm doing all the right stuff but how can it be right if everything is so wrong.

I picked my son up from daycare today the flood of feelings is so hard. I looked at him through the window a just broke down crying for the third time today. My wife has always said that i am a amazing father and i know by not drinking i always will be. But i want so much more for him a family that i never had. The love of two parents working and living together not the model i grew up with. How do i earn the trust of a woman back that i have hurt on so many occasions. That has all the right in the world not trusting me. All i have left in this world is hope she can forgive me one last time. I have a image in my head what that moment could be like when she tells me to come home. I can't believe it thought the hope hurts to much to believe in. I am truly at a loss of everything i can hold on to. I don't want to be a part time dad, i need to be there for him something i never had. I want to be a full time husband that helps and supports his wife i just want another chance. I have started to pray but is there a god even willing to listen to me. Or is this just the last grasp of a desperate man.

Today all i have is hope but is that enough.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

my story

I started drinking when i was 15-16 years old what could a few beers on the weekend hurt. Half way through my 16th year i was up to 20-24 beers on a Friday or Saturday night. My friends and i then got our lunch hour off so we had a hour and a half to kill. And if your killing time why not do it drinking. So lunch turned in to 6-8 beers a day, beer was always in my system. I breezed through high school and took a year off before going to college. In that year i worked to drink, my reward for working and i was hammered every weekend.Then off to college where my drinking career really took off. If high school is suppose to get you ready for college i was more then ready. After my first semester i joined a fraternity not the smartest thing to do for a thriving drunk. After a lot of parties and getting laid i thought that this was greet. I went to detox on my 21st birthday with blood alcohol level of .38 and blew .00 by three o'clock the next day. They said that i must drink a lot to have my body process that amount of booze in such a short time. Then i meet a girl who had a drunk for a father so me getting hammered on a Tuesday was normal to her. I got to drink when and how much i wanted, i know there was no future with her but i was doing what i wanted. i left her and moved on still drinking but not as much. I meet my wife at 28 the words i can use here do not explain her. She is a caring, loving , smart ,hot, strong and intelligent woman. We partied and had a lot of fun at first. She did not like me drinking all the time, so i would get very verbally abuse of. There are things i have said to her i would not say to my worse enemy. A lot of the time i would have to be told what i said the night before. i quit drinking the summer of 07 and it was the best are marriage ever was. Then i thought i could control it and started drinking again. Boy was i wrong it took a long while before i said anything mean to her but the patterns started all over again. September 23, 08 i let her have it over something that was so stupid that i can't even remember what it was about. The next day o told myself i was done my drinking career was over i can't keep doing this to the woman who means the world to me. I have a friend who is in AA and i joined that Saturday it has been 49 days since my last drink. Now my world is upside down we have separated and i don't blame her for it. She is so angry at me for the last 7 years i don't know if we will work it out. I love her so much and i know there is not enough I'm sorry, in the world to make up for what i have done. There is nothing in the world i wouldn't do to make every thing right with her. I want this marriage to work and we are in therapy to try to work through this. I just pray that i have not done to much damage to it.

To not be with her cuts the very essents of my soul. I know i will not drink again but to prove it to her is another thing. I miss my 3 year old son. There has not been a time in the last three days that i have not broke down crying. Now that the fog has lifted from my brain i see what is important and i truly want to be the partner she needs. i love her so much and not being with her makes me hate myself. The guilt is like having a mountain on my shoulders crushing every move i make. The anger that i have at myself for everything wants to consume me. i can't get all the things i have done out of my head all the words i have said to the woman i love. All i can do is hope my wife can forgive me again and i know that alcohol will not be the problem ever again. I'm a lost soul in my own life full of my own mistakes.