61 days

I earned my two month chip today. Like i posted i drilled a hole into it and added it to the 24 hour one around my neck. This chip is to remind me of what i have done and now lost do to drinking. I shouldn't say lost yet but looks that way. I feel like I'm rowing a boat and i have to keep it straight and going in the direction that i want it to go. My wife is on the dock watching me to see if i can keep it going in that direction so maybe she could start to believe in me again. So that's what I'm going to do even if she wants to leave i need to keep my boat moving forward. Follow my heart and i can't go wrong. Even though my heart wants what it can't have. Thanksgiving is coming up and we are going to her fathers house. I feel like the spot light is going to be on me so she can start to listen with her eyes and see what changes i have made.

My birthday is coming up also and on that day i will have my son. What better b-day present can a part time father ask for a fun day with his son. When that day comes it will be the longest sober run i have had in the last 20 years. I have spent time to go back and read my blogs and i wonder how i have got to this point. All the remorse is slowly slipping out of my system. The self hating comes and goes as it wishes but I'm not kicking my ass for it anymore. What happens in the future is not in my control but i do feel in control of me. It feels so good to type that to see the happiness start to take over my body and thoughts. This still sucks but there is nothing i can do but to keep rowing my boat and hope my wife will forgive me. I do feel like i will turn around and she will be gone for she is at the banks now. Hopefully still watching, our therapist says we are in the same boat just rowing different directions. I miss her so much and my b-day will be missing something with her not there. But hey that's in the future.

I still hope all will end well but...