december

What a difference a year makes last December felt as though it was 10 weeks long. This December is getting close to being over and it feels like my birthday was yesterday.

So since the last time i posted, went to Santa Fe New Mexico for thanksgiving and had a blast with the fam. and my father-in-law and his wife. We had a great time shopping and eating. Lets not forget the great conversations. Had my birthday, we went downtown for dinner and to a parade with very good friends. My father-in-law and i built my son a loft bed(i probably wouldn't have done this still drinking let alone suggested it). A friend of mine from college and he is in the program have been hitting meetings during the week. I now have a sponsee, we start working on the steps this Saturday. My Christmas shopping is all done and wrapped or sent out. life has been very busy but in a very good way and i would not trade it for anything. Looks like we are going to have a white Christmas here in Colorado.

All in all everything is going well. Shadow your writing seems to be going to a whole new level. I still get on and read three to four times a week to be inspired by it THANK YOU.

Well hello

It has been a while, let me update my 1 years has come and gone almost up to 14 months and still going strong. Being sober still rocks an so does cherry Dr. pepper, any who the marriage is going well. My little dude is growing like a weed and so does the attitude. But that is a different rant and blog, everything in my life is pretty well. Going to Santa Fe for thanksgiving with my father-in-law and his wife, it should be a good time.

The reason i have been not blogging is a selfish and kind of a poor excuse. I just haven't wanted to, i still get on and read everyone else but i have just been avoiding it. There is no real reason other then that. I have always been the type of person who writes when sad or angry but when things are going well i talk about it. blogging is a form of communication that i used to get through a very hard time for me and i let you all in with my hurt and pain. Shouldn't you also get to hear about all the good things as well. So i am going to be more thoughtful and let other people know that this program does work. There is a better life then drinking it away.

11 months

Well i picked up my 11 month chip on Sunday. It really made my feel kind of sad, every month for the last 11 months i have had something to look forward to. Now i have one more for a year then it's another 525,600 min. until my next one. I know i should be thinking more positive and live for today but this thought popped into my head. I know with this program it teaches you to crawl then walk and finally run. But damn it i really like picking up chips every month, it's nothing to drink over or lose sleep about but it still bugs me. For the life of me this has been on my mind since Sunday afternoon and it won't go away. I feel better about it today as i inch closer to one year.

School has finally started so the wife is back to work and my little man was off to his first day of preschool. They all ways call on their way to the babysitters (why are they called baby sitter how about munchkin sitters or very young adult sitters some thing cooler then baby sitters sorry just a little rant) and she said he had a hard morning. He was scared to go, now he went to a preschool last year but he was also there for three years in their other programs. A new school this year had him all worked up and sad. So i left work for a while and meet the very young adult sitter at his class and walked him in. Boy that little guy has a very strong bear hug and he would not let go. I talked to him for a little while and then the teacher came over, he was wearing his Broncos Jay (the cry baby) Cutler jersey. She started to talk football with him and then like a little switch went on in his head that this was going to be OK. My wife called a few hours later to say he was having a great day.
Well that's about all that is going on here i hope all is well with you folks out there.

Hello

We our off to a night out. Sort of, my wife's father took our little one on a train ride up to Glenwood Springs for the night. So we our off to get a little dinner then pick them up at the train station(this sounds as though it should of been written in the 1800's). Finally picked a roofer and next is paint for the house. Now my wife doesn't know if she wants to move right now, "I could live here for another year or two" She says. Well off to dinner, hope all is well in your worlds.

322 days

Hello everyone, life is good busy but good. I know this is way to long in between post i started this blog to help me through a very hard time in my life. Now that i have all of that back i need to keep coming back. I need to share my day with you all and keep going in this positive direction that I'm going. We our thinking of putting our house on the market but a couple of weeks ago we had a wicked hail storm. Now we our dealing with the ins. company, that's been a real treat. We have been doing a lot of touch up work on the house and it has been really fun to work with my wife. She goes back to work in a couple of days so we will see what the stress of her job does to us. If i approach it wit patience, pity and tolerance things will be fine.

10 months

10 months wow. Bathroom is done, everything is going well.

Working together

Well this past Wednesday we started to remodel the main bathroom. We are working on it as a team and it is going so well. There are times i have to remember that she has not done this before and needs direction. But i don't want to tell her what to do, but i need to give her some positive direction. I would of in the past just barked at her and said get out of the way i will do it. Now i want to see her struggle and figure it out( what the hell is this patience I'm learning). Well off to meeting and then laying tile. See you later.

I need a nap

Don't you hate it when you wake up and you are tired. I'm not a spring chicken anymore and this side work i picked up is kicking my ass. Four days of tearing down a fence and putting up a new one, it's a lot of work. Maybe my body is just not use to it, the extra cash at the end will be worth it. Now what do i spend it on? The old drinking me would spend it all on me in the form of booze and maybe some movies. The new my is pay off credit cards. Being responsible does kind of suck.

Tony(fishstyx) thanks for the kind words in your blog. I had been planning on that chip and what it meant to give it to you for 3 or 4 months now. Next time i will bring tissues for you. love you man.

Did I get lost or is it Facebook?

Where does the time go work, family, AA and sleep. I still need that extra hour in each day. That would probable be filled with Facebook it is a time thief like no other. Nine months was yesterday and as always there was no parade for me. Just the little one in my head, one float driven by a clown(guess who i was). Seriously i have not had this much pride in myself for as long as i can remember. It does feel so good to remember everything i did the day before and to feel pretty sharp all the time. I know all i need to do is put the Facebook down and spend half the time here that i spend there. I have been on reading other blogs and keeping up on most of your lives. I feel like i have blogger's block, i know all i need to do is log on and write what I'm feeling. I don't need to be witty or cute but just spill it and keep coming back. Home life is going well some hard topic talks but handled very well between both of us. My son turned four and he is such a joy.

I had a good talk with Fish today about our friends who we went to school with and his best friend. That is a hard thing to juggle friends who our still out there and still maintain sobriety. For me it was easy i just told myself i found something better for my life. I still do things with them just don't get involved with there games and bad ideas. Like the verbal judo of insults to see who is king of the hill. That kind of stuff doesn't fit into my Hp's game plan.

Well I'm off to stupid Facebook ( I'm sorry Facebook i didn't mean it was the diet cherry Dr. Pepper talking)

doing fine

Well everything seams to be going well at home. We have started to really talk about are separation. It's tuff but it has helped to know where each other was at. Why does my need to know get in the way of moving forward sometimes?
We our going up to the mountains next week for five days with a bunch of friends, so looking forward to getting out of town. So life is really doing well, funny side note the song by Pink "sober" is on the radio. Kind of funny, well to me any way. I hope all is well with the rest of you. Shadow your writings seem to get better every time i read them.

I was doing so well

15 days since my last post. Where does the time go, what has been going on in the last two weeks. Things at home have been going well, my wife is on vacation. We didn't even argue or fight before she left. This is a first for us, we would always pick little fights with each other before one of us would travel. I don't know why we would do this but we did. This time it was so different we worked together on getting her ready for her trip. Doing things for others, i didn't fully understand that when i was drinking. The way i was it was all about me and my needs. This time i wanted to help and be a service to her and not a hinder. The reward was the smile on her face knowing i was helpful. Being a single parent for the week is tuff, i had four days off from work and by the end my son and i where getting kind of tired of each other. He still didn't want to go to school this morning but i know it was the first time in four days that he had to go back. I took it as he wanted to stay home with me. I know it is selfish of me but it made me feel better. My wife comes home on Saturday and i can't wait to see her. She says i have nothing to worry about with her on this trip but there is a little bit of me that is scared as hell of her being out there. With everything that has happened over the past seven months i still feel i need to be a little bit guarded. When she gets back home and everything goes as planned then i well fully trust her. Right know i feel i need to still be a little guarded is that wrong of me?

Picked up my eight month chip on Saturday as well. I'm so proud of me to get through the hell of our separation and the joy of us getting back together again and to stay sober. 245 days they really do add up. If you take them one day at a time.

I'm back and it only was 4 days

Wow i made it back here pretty quick for once. I had a decent weekend, the meetings i went to where just what i needed. Drama free until Saturday night We went to a friend of the family for dinner. My very fat ass(i am still down 25lbs since i quit drinking)broke her most important chair that supports her back. The damn chair is 20plus years old and the back broke. I sit in this chair every time I'm there, she blows up on me. "You know that chair is my life line for my back" IT'S A F#*%ING CHAIR move on i offered to fix it i said i was sorry. She could not hear me, if i was standing there naked she would not have noticed. So i go out to the garage to look for some wood glue. My wife and son where inside with her and she bashes me the whole time i was in the garage. When i come back in my wife says we our leaving that know one is going to talk about me or her family that way. So we left and went to a friends house and had a great dinner and conversation. Sunday meet the same friends for breakfast and had a great morning until we where on our way home. My wife's mom was coming over for dinner that night for mothers day. Well she calls and is all pissed off that we didn't call her in the morning to wish her happy mothers day. We didn't give her a time for dinner we don't respect her, we don't care about her. Her mom has depression and PTSD and has spent a lot of time in the loony bin, oh yea we have also bailed her out of jail twice. But we don't care about her even after she tryed to kill herself and my wife took care of her getting her to the hospital and again the loony bin. So my wife really can't stand her mom much and now wants nothing to do with her. Her mom then calls me and trys to turn me against her saying all sorts of crap about my wife. I feel very stuck in the middle but I'm standing with my wife on what she wants. She doesn't want to see her mom and doesn't want our son around her mom. That's fine with me I'm here for my family and i will support what ever she wants to do when it comes to her family. It's a good thing i just finished steps 6 and 7 a little humility went a long way with this crap going on all weekend. Oh yea 230 days it's been awhile since i put that number up there at least that feels really good.

where have i been

Has it really been this long between posts. Well i chaired my second meeting, the topic was god shots. Those little moments that let you know you are on the right path. The ones that keep you doing what you on the right path. There where a lot of great shares and people seemed to like the topic so it went well. My wife has a trip with her single friends coming up and I'm a little nerves that she might behave badly. That would be her choice and then i would have to deal with it. But being the full time father for a week will be fun and tiring. Things have been going really well, she said she is falling in love with me again and i am also. Thanks Sarah for getting my ASS back here.

i need to get back here

Well it has been awhile ...again. Damn i need one more hour in the day. Seven months will be this Thursday, i am so proud of me not for staying sober. For becoming the man i should of always been, being sober was just the first step. Well chairing my first meeting was fun, my topic was that AA is not just about getting sober it is a life style change. A way for a better life, a life that can be positive for me and all arounf it. I was a little worried that no one would want to talk about this topic. When i finished and opened up the meeting, it was on so many people spoke and shared it was great. so i'm chairing another one in two weeks. Everything in my life is going very well, still working the steps. Still moving forward and working out three times a week(i wish it was more but family time is really important). Things are going well, i will catch up with all of you. I just need that one more hour. Hey look a whole post without typing how many days.

today

Well today I'm chairing my first meeting. I'm not nerves or anything, the meeting starts at 6:45 am and i woke up at 4 in the morning. My wife and i had a date night last night and it was so very nice. We went to Boulder and went for a hike and worked around pearl street. Then went to a very good restaurant called Himalayas for ethnic food from Napall. It was a great night, it will be nice to pick up our little man this morning but it was also nice to have a night without him just the two of us.

195 days

I need to come up with some new titles for my posts. Just putting up numbers sounds more like time in jail, then a new life. 9 freaking days since i was here last what the hell. I'm starting to get my new schedule down now that my wife and i are back together. I of course wanted to spend most of my time with her and our son. She said keep doing the things that got you here (and of course she was right. Not to go off subject here but why are women right more often then men. I know we are wired different but what the hell?) I started seeing my sponsor twice a week back to hitting my morning meeting twice a week and I do feel a lot better. I'm chairing my first meeting on Saturday a little nervous about it but whats the worst i can do. Have a quiet room where only the crickets talk (maybe they have something to say and we are to busy talking over them). I am in a little bit of a goofy mood tonight and my A.D.D is really kicking in, ohhh whats that shiny thing over there? But I'm kind of nervous about Saturday so it goes, i will do fine. There have been a lot of good things going on right now our son is FINALLY using the potty for number 1 and 2. Probably too much info but that makes me very happy. We have been talking very open and honest and very real with our feelings and needs. Something we have never really done in our marriage. Maybe I was too busy pounding beers to hear her, ok i was too busy pounding beers to hear her. I forgot (in my beer haze)how passionate she is about her job, life, goals and how much she cares about us boys in her life. I also forgot how funny she is and how beautiful she looks when she is smiling.

A quick gratitude list about my wife.
1. Her love for me and our son
2. Her love for life
3. Her laugh
4. her long arms holding me at night
5. The way she knows how to make everything feel right
6. The way she lights up a room
7. Finally cooking together and trying new things and new foods
8. Being at home with us boys

186 days

I picked up my 6 month chip today. My son went with me, he goes for the chocolate donut. I just love having him there, one of the two people who mean the most to me. Things have been good this past week. Nothing big to blog about, maybe that's a good thing.

six months

Well today is six months. As one guy in my meeting says "that's a long time between cocktails." There have been times that i miss it, like hanging with the guys or out with the wife. But for me one beer is really a six or a 12 pack. That's just a life i do not want to go back to, i have been such a happier person without it. I know what i lose if i go down that road again. First i would lose me then my wife and son and that is a road i can't go back down. So when those thoughts go through this brain of mine all i need to do is think of them and of me. I was so unhappy without them(see all post before mid February) seeing there loving faces, holding them and laughing with them. I can't lose all of that again and make it back down the good road that I'm on. There will be more urges but i just need to think through the drink and i will be fine. The hurt i would put us through out weighs any drink. I do love my family so much, this is where i belong. And where i need to stay.


Stay sober out there and be happy.

so little time 177 days

Where does my day go, is there time for everything. Yes date night, we went to one of the top restaurants in Denver called Vesta Dipping Grill (i went to school with the chef). The food was amazing my friend he would just keep sending things out we ordered a appetiser he sent 3 out. The dessert was very cool he made flour less chocolate cake with a moues center and a marang cookies cut out like the phantom mask. The play was super cool i have never been, that would of meant getting off the couch and doing something this drunk didn't think he would like. I was flat out amazed how much fun it was and she had in her own words " That was the best date i have ever been on." I told her she needs to plan the next one for next month and it does not have to be this fancy. So things are going pretty well she must of said thank you 30-40 times over the weekend. I will make time to catch up with all of you because this blog is still super important to me.

169 days

Things seem to be going well at home. We had a hard talk about going out with friends when we where "single" it was go out when ever we wanted. Now priorities should be family, us then our friends. We will work things out. This weekend I'm taking her out for a night out on the town. Doing things that i would not do when i was drinking because it was easier to hide at home. I have worked pretty hard on this night and it is not a cheap night.I will post to let you know how it goes.

I still hope for the best for us and our son.

fear 163 days

The problems of my former life of drinking keep popping up. My wife still has a lot of fear about me and us. I know it has only been a week and a half of living together but fear will destroy all. I have learned this the hard way, i want this to work and she says she does too. She says that she is happy but full of fear. She says i need to stay consistent and that's what I'm doing. For now it's back to work.

I still have hope for us.

Sunday 159 days

I do hate going so long with out blogging. So i picked up my 5 month chip on Friday and brought a new guy to my morning meeting. It was also the first time i was able to meet him. He is going to fit in very well with our group, funny how our therapist hooked us up. We our both going through the same things and way to much a like. I thought i was the only one just kidding(me trying to be funny with out my morning caffeine). Last night i gave my 4 month chip to a very good friend who said he needed the serenity prayer. Small thing like that really seem to matter to me now. Maybe this growing up stuff is not that hard after all. Open, willing and honest is how i want to live my life from now on. It does seem a lot easier then trying to remember all the bullshit. Well I'm off to make breakfast for the family, hope you all have a great day and as banana girl always says DON'T DRINK TODAY.

155 days

Why is it when you get what you want, there has to be those weird silent moments. The living together thing has been very good, i have asked her if she is happy and she says yes. The getting use to each other can be a little straining at times. Like yesterday, trash goes out on Wednesday so i clean the house and get the trash out. For me this is very helpful because it is something i can control. I can see the clean house when I'm done and it feels good. For her it was me not spending time with her and our son. I don't get it i know we have to feel each other out again and see if we still fit. My ocd really kicks in around the house i need to have something i can control and a clean house is it for me. i don't think it is a bad thing. I cleaned yesterday so i can spend the whole night together with them tonight. The readjusting can be hard, i have stopped trying to guess what she is thinking and just ask her what is going on in her head. Sometimes it's a OK question the other times it feels like I'm bugging her. I am very happy we our trying to work things out and that i can't rush things. So i should stop complaining and just enjoy it.

5 Months Today

Today is five months with out booze. I hope the roller coaster that has been my life will settle down now. With some new turns of events, she and i are now living together again. We went on a date Saturday night and it just hasn't ended. We talked a lot about everything that night we even went to look at her new apartment. But for some reason that even we can't explain this just feels right. We took our son for a nice hike on Sunday just another of the many things i would not do when i was drinking. The hike was so much fun i do really like to hike but was just to lazy to do it when drinking. I set here lost in thought about all the things we have missed out on with my drinking controlling this marriage. Another thing to add to my list of things i wont let happen again. Banana girl tells me that a gratitude list is always a good thing to blog about so for her and me a short one.

1. Staying sober and getting all of my life back.
2. My family
3. Hope
4. The program
5. My higher power (it still fells a little weird to type that one)
6. My true spiritual and moral compass
7. My great support system
8. Having a secure job in this hard time
9. Love
10. The future

What day is today

Short weeks really screw with me. When i have Monday off i always feel a day late. Of course if i have a Friday off it is the longest week in the world. Glad i could make someone laugh with my adhd moment about soda. That was really going on in my head and i could not get anything else out if i didn't type it. The strange mind of a alkie and what is with my clean freak attitude now i have ocd as well. I guess i see to many pill ads on TV. Where was i? My week seems to be going way to fast or i'm just behind. That's where i was. My mind is just racing with hope, possibilities and some fear of the unknown. But I'm not in control anymore and i will go down any path laid out for me. So i just need to let it go. 148 days and counting i do love this being sober stuff.

Good morning

145 days and i survived Valentine's day, with a little twist. Let me explain, I over sleep and i missed my meeting. I have started to sleep better for me any way. My little dude and I went to watch a friends son play hockey by our house. The kid has mad skills and for only being in 8TH grade. Went to meet her to finish taxes, finished taxes. Then she caught me off guard and asked if i wanted to go to lunch, went to a really great place called Toast. She had banana fosters pancakes i had raspberry and white chocolate french toast it was a little slice of heaven. Then when we where leaving she again caught me off guard a asked if she could come back to the house. At first i was all nerves for some reason that's when i realized i was starting to take over. So i heard banana girl say just breath and my sponsor say when you feel like this turn it over. This feeling means that you are in charge and we both know you don't make the best life choices or you would not be here in AA. So i let it go and said that sounds great. We made it home and i tried to put my little man down for a nap i think he was just jazzed up because we where all together. So he didn't nap but played in his room. Then came the bombshell we where laying on the couch and she kissed me and said she has realized that it is her fear that is keeping us apart. The fear of me drinking, becoming a a-hole or abuse of. She realized if i start any of this again she can just leave and then end it. Then she said she wants to try again but at a slow pace. We both want more Independence and to be the people that we are. Two people who have individual goals to work towards but goals and dreams as a couple also. We both need the away time to be with our friends and do the things we like. Sorry i need a little Adhd moment here if you haven't tried the new cherry Dr. Pepper you should it rocks. Ok back to where i was going, we also need to set and work towards goals we set also.

She said what also helped change her mind was all the physical (I'm down 30lbs) and the emotional changes as well. I gave all the credit to the program without it i would be a lost soul. I know it is not all the program it's me working it and staying open and honest with myself about everything. Me being the real person who i am and that's what is really important.

sleep

I'm so damn tired, the month of February i can never sleep. I have been this way since i was a kid. Hey it must be February because it's 2 in the morning and I'm wide awake. 140 days have passed since my last drink and i don't miss it at all. I still like going to the bars with my friends and hanging out. But the need to get trashed is no longer there or the need to puke out the window of a moving car. One of my friends was that drunk Saturday night of course it was funny but it made me very sad too. I was that guy who had to be the last one standing, to finish the last beer or keg. What a joke, i would love to sit down and talk to me when i was 28 right before i met my wife. To tell me what i will do and what i will lose if i keep drinking. Even then i would of been the tuff drunk and said something like "I can control it or that wont happen to me or beer isn't in control". How sad of a alcoholic was i living in denial and fear. If you take the beer away how can i let go and really be me. The letting go is the hard part the being me is the easy part. Even at the bar i can let go sober talk to people and be me now. What a great feeling it is. Things ended up getting very complected over the weekend she finally opened up. Told me stuff like she can't bring herself to file and she still loves me. The thing stopping her is fear of her past and a future with me. That is what my drinking has done, she said she wants to just talk right now. Be honest and really talk from the heart when we see each other on the phone and e-mail. The hard part for me is trusting her that this is not some trick. To help her move or to stop me from hanging out with this girl i met. She said the dating pool sucks and that there are not a lot of good men out there. Can i be the good man she needs do i want to be the good man she needs. Working my program tells me i can be the good man she needs i have found the real me through all of this. Happy, kind, loving, funny, helpful and respectful that is who i am. 180 degrees from the drunk i was, that's what alcohol took from me and turned me into.

Saturday

Banana girl said in our home group this morning that it has been to long since i have done a gratitude list. So here it goes.

1. I'm truly happy that i don't drink anymore the pressure to be me through a chemical is over. I can be me with out it.
2. I'm grateful for all of the people in my life
3. I'm not kicking my ass over the past anymore.
4. For my son
5. Moving on with my life, even though this is the hardest thing i have had to do in my life is to let go of my first love.
6. My self respect, the feeling of pride in me.

For all the things i have lost from drinking, me and now her. I do have a lot of regrets all the words i have said to her in a drunken rage. When i was truly mad at myself for drinking and took it out on her. That is one i don't want to forget how i can hurt the ones i love including me by swimming in beer.

134

How do you tell a 3 1/2 year old why his mommy and daddy don't live together. We have been saying that we just don't play together. His new question WHY? It really caught me off guard for some reason tonight. I think it is because i really don't know what changed in her.

130 days

Why can't life go as i want it to. Is this so much to ask for, i know the answer. If every ones life went as they wanted it to, life would be boring. It's the future and the unexpected that is what makes life great. I would not want to have a crystal ball (except for the lotto numbers) where would the fun in knowing the future be. With everything going on in my life i still don't want to know the way it's going to work out. The pain I'm going through know will only make me stronger down the road. I will be the best person that i can be everyday, try to do the right things and live by my compass. I don't want to hurt anyone again that was the main reason for me to quit drinking. Now that's only part of the reason i need to be me not to hide from life. I don't need to hide from my past or let it ruin my future but embrace it and learn from it. I was told today that I'm a selfish person, what I'm being selfish by finally talking about my feelings my wants my desires. Who i want to be how i want things to work in my life. I'm a smart man and i have spent so much of my time on this earth doubting me. Choosing to hide from me and my issues that we all carry around with us. Now that I'm finally in touch with those feelings and willing to talk about them. To be open and honest about what makes me tick, that makes me selfish. I will take this new me over the coward that would hide from himself and everyone else, in a bottle any day.


So here i am world a new man who is open and honest about my needs and wants. The things that are important to me. The people i want to surround myself with. So come and get me i have lived at the bottom for so long and took the one i loved there with me. I'm on my way out of the cellar and if this new standard of life i want for me and my son is selfish then so be it.

RAGE

127 days. This anger bug has bitten me right in the ass today. I'm so f-ing pissed off i have been this way all day. Screw the world, screw everyone and everything. I worked out and that didn't help, i went for a bike ride that didn't help. I miss my son the time away from him is so damn hard i want to be with him all the time. I want to keep doing the right things for him and me. Everywhere i turn it's another kick to the crotch. If I'm truly being tested right now about being sober how much harder does it need to get. I just want things to end (no not me or being sober) to start to see things getting better. I don't want to go back to how i was or where i was going but at least then i had my son every day. Right now I'm so tired of "life's little lessons", i just want to be left alone. To keep figuring out who i am and who i want to become. I need life to cut me some slack and let me catch my breath, give me something. At least sometime to catch up and to let me feel good about everything that I'm doing. I know I'm doing all the right things and going about it the right way. I just need a break from this shit for just one day to not think to not worry to not care. I know i need to do something good for myself, something that makes me happy. Being a full time father makes me happy. I'm trying to focus on the positives to keep moving forward with my new life. If someone told me that i would be 4 months sober and getting a divorce i would of laughed at them. This hole in my chest and in my soul is healing and i do feel that what I'm doing is the best for me and my son. Life cut me a little slack please I'm begging you i don't know how much more crap i can take.


Sorry maybe i just needed to vent and be pissed of for awhile today. As long as the sun comes up in the east and goes down in the west i will be OK. I can handle it, besides tomorrow is a new day and that's all i can ask for.

Trying to not be the old me

This turning things over to my HP is a little harder then i thought it would be. I still feel me wanting to be in control of everything, i have all the sayings going through my head. Only live in the now, 24 hours at a time, what ever happens i can handle it and so on. The new aspects of my life like should i call or text, the need to be in control has gotten me where i am now. This person said they would call later in the week i need to let It go and wait and see. Trusting my HP is VERY NEW to me but me being in control didn't work out so well. I do not feel the need to hide from anything or any one (mainly me). It feels good to set boundary's with people and to stick to them, I'm a good guy but no more Mr. Nice Guy. What i mean by that is i won't be walked on or do things that are not right for me. To stand up for me because no one else will. I have seen the change in other people around me with this new philosophy. If i will stand up to you i will also stand up for you. I see the change in the people i work with there are no more little extra shots or cracks on my character. In return there have been no extra cracks on there faults ether. I won't be put down and I'm not putting anyone down. The respect that i feel for me is at the highest it has been in a very long time like 20 years. It still amazes me how much i hid from everyone and everything living in a bottle. I'm way to good of a man to go back to that again.

I know that I'm rambling again and that there is hardly any flow to this post. The thoughts that are racing in my head and I'm trying to get them all out and to make some sense to anyone who reads this. SO what do i need to do, Turn things over, don't sweat the little things. If this new person calls great, if not great. I learned from this weekend that i can do the things, like talk to the opposite sex and spend time with them SOBER. All of these small steps of retaking over my life are hard yet very satisfying also.

Life is moving on

124 days and it feels good to be me again. This divorce might get ugly because of money. She has worked hard to make more money then i do. How do we make it fair for both of us.

I had a amazing weekend there are some new people in my life. That i met on Friday and i think it maybe a good thing, it feels like a good thing. I will know down the road but it was a really fun weekend and i needed it. A whole weekend not thinking about the negative aspects of my life and focusing on the positive. Moving forward is still hard, for the last 7 1/2 years there has only been two people that have mattered to me. Now there is only one, down the road there will be a second again. Maybe sooner then later but i will know more with time.

Things that matter to me.

1. Me
2. My son
3. My new life
4. Finding a 2ND job
5. Being on my own to make my own future
6. New people to hang out with and the start of new conversations
7. Finally being happy again
8. Life, and turning it over
9. Smiling, laughing and new conversations
10. Not being afraid to put my neck back out there

I hope everyone had a good weekend and i can't wait to hear and read about it.

Thursday 121 days

Well life still sucks and I'm the only one to blame. I have learned that in all of my drunk anger i was really mad at me not her. She just became the focus of my anger and my vent. I will not hurt anyone because of booze again, i know that I'm to blame. It's kind of ironic that me being mad at me made me hurt the one i love the most in this world. I have really started to look at my past to learn from it and to not make the same mistakes over again. How stupid am i, i hate the fact that i drink so lets drink more that makes no sense to me now. When i was drinking it made all the sense in the world. So i have made a list of things i will not do anymore.

1. Drink (That ones a given)
2. Hurt anyone important to me
3. Hide from myself anymore
4. Let anyone or thing control me like the way beer did
5. Stand up for myself and the important people in my life

This is just a start there will be more to add but i feel this is a good honest start.

monday

Well it's a new week, Friday will be 4 months. For me to 1/3 of a year is pretty cool, the mental and physical healing has been great. The emotional hurt i feel that to will pass in time, so this is my new life. 36 and a single father i never thought i would be here but i need to make the best of this new hand i have been dealt. I have great friends in AA and out, people who do care about me and hate to see what I'm going through. The best thing in the world in my son who i only see part time, that sucks. I never though i would love being a father, to look on my boy and see his face is the best thing in the world. I know a lot of this pain will go away, i hate being lied to she finally said she had no intentions of getting back together with me. So why play games i would respect her more if she told the truth from the start. There is someone out there for me and that relationship will start at a lot better place with me being sober. I can't hurt the ones i love intently being sober. All i want is for this to be over so i can move on with my life. I do feel ready to meet new people not date but to make some new friends and start enjoying life again. I still need something good to happen, maybe this is the good thing that's happening. I will be able to tell down the road.

I hope and pray for the best for me and my son and that is it right now.

Friday

First and foremost i would like to take the time to thank all of you. Your comments do mean a lot to me and they do help, to try to unscramble my brain if even for a little while. I need to hit the phone to talk to other drunks, i need to talk to my friends. I need to try to get back to the positive hopeful person that i am. If i let myself wade around in this self loathing and doubt i will get off my path. I need to stay smart and true to this new me and not drink. That would be the easy thing to do I WILL NOT DRINK BECAUSE OF HER. I do need to get her out of my head, i do need to be there for my son, i do need to be there for me.


I need to get the hope back in my life. I really need to love me right now more than anything. If i love me i will be a better father.

Thursday day 114

I feel so low right now. I can't eat or sleep, the pain has enclosed me like a envelope with broken glass in it. Ever move i make rips more of me apart cuts me down to the soul. All i wanted was to treat her like she deserved, i know a lot of this goes back to her mother and the way she was raised. In a chaotic house of drinking and arguing and it is not all about me. She thinks that she can cut her mom and me out of her life and all will be OK. Maybe it will or maybe it wont but i will not be there to help. I am done and the only thing I'm focused on is my son and his new family of the two of us. I can't control her or what she does and i am to the point that i don't care. I never dreamed we would get a divorce we have always worked things out. I just want what is best for me and my son that is it.

My level of hope is low right now but what ever happens i can and will handle it. I want nothing but the best for my son and me.

the end of her and i 112 days

Well she wants to date other people, so this is now really over. I feel lied to the whole time we have been separated. She never wanted to work on this, she (in her own words) was waiting for me to realize that this was over. Then why string me along, why not just say it was over. The lies hurt far more then the truth does. So after hearing all of this i did a little redecorating. All of the pictures of us and most of the stuff she wants is in the garage. That is what i need to do, to start getting her out of my life. I just feel so used and betrayed just tell the f-ing truth and be a adult about it. The desire to drink was very heavy last night but she is not worth it. I'm to strong for that, i love my new path and me to do that again. So here i am 36 years old, a 3 1/2 year old son and i have been "fixed". I feel like real damaged goods who would want to date me. I have so much to offer but right now i feel about as low as i ever have in my life. I hate her right now and i know that it will go away with time but damn it hurts. I asked her if i was still drinking would we still be married and she said yes because she could not trust me with our son. My life will get better but it sucks right now, i really need something good to happen for me. Two months of this and blogging has put the last sentence of my first blog back in my head. I'm a lost soul in my own life full of my own mistakes. Life really sucks right now.

Sunday

110 days and my life is still up in the air. I went over to my house to talk about money when she gets her own place. She still doesn't want to file for divorce, but the separation is going full force. I still don't really know how to feel, i respect the decision to move out and try to be on our own. I have to get a 2ND job so i can afford to eat and have a little spending money. What ever happens i can handle it, the not wanting to file is what is throwing me off. She is still not 100% on divorce she just wants some space. For me i don't know what to do, part of me wants this and part of me thinks i need to be treated better. I just don't want to think, talk and worry about it. I need to keep doing what is right for me, I'm working on the steps. I'm on step 3 my sponsor has a good and simple way to get past this one. I need to ask my HP to help me not drink everyday and thank him every night. I still feel i need to have something good happen for me to really give it all over.I do feel like I'm trying to let go of more everyday and it makes me very cautious. I have become a planner in my new fond sobriety, no more flying by the seat of my pants.

I will always have hope for all that i love and that includes her. I want to be the best father to our son, i need to stay positive to stay on this path. I want to be the role model that i know our son needs.

108 days

Well it's Friday made it another long week in the ranch. I have been in a funk all week as you could tell from my last post. I guess i needed to complain a little, i had therapy today and she said to do what is best for me. It is very hard to think of my new life with out the person who was the center of it for so long. This is what she wants and i need to move on to keep busy and to not think about it or i will go crazy. I still need to workout it is such a stress reliever. I need to make as many meetings as i can. I need to finally be me and i know that I'm a good person who has made some big mistakes. I still need to find a part time job, be the best part time dad i can be. What ever happens i can handle it and stay true to myself that is all i can ask of me.

Things that make me HAPPY.
1. My son
2. Me
3. My support system
4. My choice to stay sober
5. My future

I have so much hope for the important people in my life.

105 days

I'm letting go of more of the need to control every aspect of my life. To leave some to chance and the HP but i need to see something good. I need something to show me what I'm doing is right and this is the right path. My life is f-ing crazy how do i keep doing the right thing. I still don't have the desire to drink but come on give me something to believe in other then myself. Show me that you are there and that you care. I can't do this all by myself the feeling of doubt and fear is all consuming. I want to believe but how can i when my world is falling apart. I have so much hope for me and the future but it is so hard to just follow something i have never believed in. My life sucks right now. How much more of a test do i need to go through, i just want to be loved. I want to feel that what I'm doing is right.

I know what I'm doing is the right thing for me and my son. I still have hope but i just don't know how much more i can take.

Monday

What is it about kicking your ass in the gym that feels so good. The pain the next day, the feeling of getting stronger. I think it is more mental the getting stronger part. Maybe it is the feeling of doing something good for yourself. I have been working out for a month and a half now and I'm really starting to see it payoff. My mind, body and soul feel so much better afterwards.

Well i don't have much else to say and there is a good football game on so see ya.

Saturday night

Well i hope the new year has been good to everyone so far. I'm still stuck in the same spot she still doesn't know what she wants. I'm moving forward in my life in so many positive ways. First no booze that is a good start, second i am only relying on me. I don't need someone to take care of me anymore, I'm a strong man who wants only the best for me and our son. I want to be judged by my actions not my words. I have stayed true to everything i have said in this relationship since i quit drinking. If she doesn't or chooses to notice then so be it. I know i hurt her a lot and i still kick my own ass every day for it. That is something i don't want to forget but to learn from. I know how to treat a partner and that is what i will do for her or someone else.
I still hope for the best for all that i love. I hope for the best man and father i can be. My son is the most important person in my life and he is all that i have right now. I'm a good man who has made a lot of bad choices and i don't want to be that bad man ever again to anyone.

100 DAYS

100 days and on January 1st, kind of weird how these events of days have landed. My longest sober streak came on my birthday December 6Th now 100 days on the new year. There must be something to all of this the way the timing and the days worked out. My life is so crazy the choices my whatever she is, is making makes my head spin. It turns with confusion and sadness at what she wants to become. I know i can't control her but what is she thinking. How will it impact my son with her new life choices. Wow is all i can say the yo-yo effect it has on us. Sunday i spent over at the house for dinner and we talked about making Sunday dinner something we want to continue. And maybe start to see each other once or twice through the week, to now she wants more space and doesn't want to see me at all. Just because i wouldn't watch our son on New Years Eve so she could go drinking with her friends. What ever happens i can handle it, i just want to be the REAL support system for our son. He knows that daddy loves him and will do anything for him. I feel so torn with what i want and what i should do. Part of me wants to help her get herself back together, the other and now the side that is winning says to run like hell. Do what is best for you and your son, i do think about her less every day but this still hurts.

I just want to be happy is that to much to ask for. I hope for the best but maybe the best is to run away from all of her craziness. I want our son to see and be the strong man that he will become because i am a good role model. A sober father who is full of love and hope for all things. A support of person, a caring person, a person he can turn to at any time.

I just want to be loved by someone and i know that it will happen on my new path. I still am full of hope for all that i love. Even though that is trying at times. I hope for a better me and a better father for my son.

I know that i have rambled a lot in this post and that the flow kind of sucks but that is where my head is at.