130 days

Why can't life go as i want it to. Is this so much to ask for, i know the answer. If every ones life went as they wanted it to, life would be boring. It's the future and the unexpected that is what makes life great. I would not want to have a crystal ball (except for the lotto numbers) where would the fun in knowing the future be. With everything going on in my life i still don't want to know the way it's going to work out. The pain I'm going through know will only make me stronger down the road. I will be the best person that i can be everyday, try to do the right things and live by my compass. I don't want to hurt anyone again that was the main reason for me to quit drinking. Now that's only part of the reason i need to be me not to hide from life. I don't need to hide from my past or let it ruin my future but embrace it and learn from it. I was told today that I'm a selfish person, what I'm being selfish by finally talking about my feelings my wants my desires. Who i want to be how i want things to work in my life. I'm a smart man and i have spent so much of my time on this earth doubting me. Choosing to hide from me and my issues that we all carry around with us. Now that I'm finally in touch with those feelings and willing to talk about them. To be open and honest about what makes me tick, that makes me selfish. I will take this new me over the coward that would hide from himself and everyone else, in a bottle any day.


So here i am world a new man who is open and honest about my needs and wants. The things that are important to me. The people i want to surround myself with. So come and get me i have lived at the bottom for so long and took the one i loved there with me. I'm on my way out of the cellar and if this new standard of life i want for me and my son is selfish then so be it.

RAGE

127 days. This anger bug has bitten me right in the ass today. I'm so f-ing pissed off i have been this way all day. Screw the world, screw everyone and everything. I worked out and that didn't help, i went for a bike ride that didn't help. I miss my son the time away from him is so damn hard i want to be with him all the time. I want to keep doing the right things for him and me. Everywhere i turn it's another kick to the crotch. If I'm truly being tested right now about being sober how much harder does it need to get. I just want things to end (no not me or being sober) to start to see things getting better. I don't want to go back to how i was or where i was going but at least then i had my son every day. Right now I'm so tired of "life's little lessons", i just want to be left alone. To keep figuring out who i am and who i want to become. I need life to cut me some slack and let me catch my breath, give me something. At least sometime to catch up and to let me feel good about everything that I'm doing. I know I'm doing all the right things and going about it the right way. I just need a break from this shit for just one day to not think to not worry to not care. I know i need to do something good for myself, something that makes me happy. Being a full time father makes me happy. I'm trying to focus on the positives to keep moving forward with my new life. If someone told me that i would be 4 months sober and getting a divorce i would of laughed at them. This hole in my chest and in my soul is healing and i do feel that what I'm doing is the best for me and my son. Life cut me a little slack please I'm begging you i don't know how much more crap i can take.


Sorry maybe i just needed to vent and be pissed of for awhile today. As long as the sun comes up in the east and goes down in the west i will be OK. I can handle it, besides tomorrow is a new day and that's all i can ask for.

Trying to not be the old me

This turning things over to my HP is a little harder then i thought it would be. I still feel me wanting to be in control of everything, i have all the sayings going through my head. Only live in the now, 24 hours at a time, what ever happens i can handle it and so on. The new aspects of my life like should i call or text, the need to be in control has gotten me where i am now. This person said they would call later in the week i need to let It go and wait and see. Trusting my HP is VERY NEW to me but me being in control didn't work out so well. I do not feel the need to hide from anything or any one (mainly me). It feels good to set boundary's with people and to stick to them, I'm a good guy but no more Mr. Nice Guy. What i mean by that is i won't be walked on or do things that are not right for me. To stand up for me because no one else will. I have seen the change in other people around me with this new philosophy. If i will stand up to you i will also stand up for you. I see the change in the people i work with there are no more little extra shots or cracks on my character. In return there have been no extra cracks on there faults ether. I won't be put down and I'm not putting anyone down. The respect that i feel for me is at the highest it has been in a very long time like 20 years. It still amazes me how much i hid from everyone and everything living in a bottle. I'm way to good of a man to go back to that again.

I know that I'm rambling again and that there is hardly any flow to this post. The thoughts that are racing in my head and I'm trying to get them all out and to make some sense to anyone who reads this. SO what do i need to do, Turn things over, don't sweat the little things. If this new person calls great, if not great. I learned from this weekend that i can do the things, like talk to the opposite sex and spend time with them SOBER. All of these small steps of retaking over my life are hard yet very satisfying also.

Life is moving on

124 days and it feels good to be me again. This divorce might get ugly because of money. She has worked hard to make more money then i do. How do we make it fair for both of us.

I had a amazing weekend there are some new people in my life. That i met on Friday and i think it maybe a good thing, it feels like a good thing. I will know down the road but it was a really fun weekend and i needed it. A whole weekend not thinking about the negative aspects of my life and focusing on the positive. Moving forward is still hard, for the last 7 1/2 years there has only been two people that have mattered to me. Now there is only one, down the road there will be a second again. Maybe sooner then later but i will know more with time.

Things that matter to me.

1. Me
2. My son
3. My new life
4. Finding a 2ND job
5. Being on my own to make my own future
6. New people to hang out with and the start of new conversations
7. Finally being happy again
8. Life, and turning it over
9. Smiling, laughing and new conversations
10. Not being afraid to put my neck back out there

I hope everyone had a good weekend and i can't wait to hear and read about it.

Thursday 121 days

Well life still sucks and I'm the only one to blame. I have learned that in all of my drunk anger i was really mad at me not her. She just became the focus of my anger and my vent. I will not hurt anyone because of booze again, i know that I'm to blame. It's kind of ironic that me being mad at me made me hurt the one i love the most in this world. I have really started to look at my past to learn from it and to not make the same mistakes over again. How stupid am i, i hate the fact that i drink so lets drink more that makes no sense to me now. When i was drinking it made all the sense in the world. So i have made a list of things i will not do anymore.

1. Drink (That ones a given)
2. Hurt anyone important to me
3. Hide from myself anymore
4. Let anyone or thing control me like the way beer did
5. Stand up for myself and the important people in my life

This is just a start there will be more to add but i feel this is a good honest start.

monday

Well it's a new week, Friday will be 4 months. For me to 1/3 of a year is pretty cool, the mental and physical healing has been great. The emotional hurt i feel that to will pass in time, so this is my new life. 36 and a single father i never thought i would be here but i need to make the best of this new hand i have been dealt. I have great friends in AA and out, people who do care about me and hate to see what I'm going through. The best thing in the world in my son who i only see part time, that sucks. I never though i would love being a father, to look on my boy and see his face is the best thing in the world. I know a lot of this pain will go away, i hate being lied to she finally said she had no intentions of getting back together with me. So why play games i would respect her more if she told the truth from the start. There is someone out there for me and that relationship will start at a lot better place with me being sober. I can't hurt the ones i love intently being sober. All i want is for this to be over so i can move on with my life. I do feel ready to meet new people not date but to make some new friends and start enjoying life again. I still need something good to happen, maybe this is the good thing that's happening. I will be able to tell down the road.

I hope and pray for the best for me and my son and that is it right now.

Friday

First and foremost i would like to take the time to thank all of you. Your comments do mean a lot to me and they do help, to try to unscramble my brain if even for a little while. I need to hit the phone to talk to other drunks, i need to talk to my friends. I need to try to get back to the positive hopeful person that i am. If i let myself wade around in this self loathing and doubt i will get off my path. I need to stay smart and true to this new me and not drink. That would be the easy thing to do I WILL NOT DRINK BECAUSE OF HER. I do need to get her out of my head, i do need to be there for my son, i do need to be there for me.


I need to get the hope back in my life. I really need to love me right now more than anything. If i love me i will be a better father.

Thursday day 114

I feel so low right now. I can't eat or sleep, the pain has enclosed me like a envelope with broken glass in it. Ever move i make rips more of me apart cuts me down to the soul. All i wanted was to treat her like she deserved, i know a lot of this goes back to her mother and the way she was raised. In a chaotic house of drinking and arguing and it is not all about me. She thinks that she can cut her mom and me out of her life and all will be OK. Maybe it will or maybe it wont but i will not be there to help. I am done and the only thing I'm focused on is my son and his new family of the two of us. I can't control her or what she does and i am to the point that i don't care. I never dreamed we would get a divorce we have always worked things out. I just want what is best for me and my son that is it.

My level of hope is low right now but what ever happens i can and will handle it. I want nothing but the best for my son and me.

the end of her and i 112 days

Well she wants to date other people, so this is now really over. I feel lied to the whole time we have been separated. She never wanted to work on this, she (in her own words) was waiting for me to realize that this was over. Then why string me along, why not just say it was over. The lies hurt far more then the truth does. So after hearing all of this i did a little redecorating. All of the pictures of us and most of the stuff she wants is in the garage. That is what i need to do, to start getting her out of my life. I just feel so used and betrayed just tell the f-ing truth and be a adult about it. The desire to drink was very heavy last night but she is not worth it. I'm to strong for that, i love my new path and me to do that again. So here i am 36 years old, a 3 1/2 year old son and i have been "fixed". I feel like real damaged goods who would want to date me. I have so much to offer but right now i feel about as low as i ever have in my life. I hate her right now and i know that it will go away with time but damn it hurts. I asked her if i was still drinking would we still be married and she said yes because she could not trust me with our son. My life will get better but it sucks right now, i really need something good to happen for me. Two months of this and blogging has put the last sentence of my first blog back in my head. I'm a lost soul in my own life full of my own mistakes. Life really sucks right now.

Sunday

110 days and my life is still up in the air. I went over to my house to talk about money when she gets her own place. She still doesn't want to file for divorce, but the separation is going full force. I still don't really know how to feel, i respect the decision to move out and try to be on our own. I have to get a 2ND job so i can afford to eat and have a little spending money. What ever happens i can handle it, the not wanting to file is what is throwing me off. She is still not 100% on divorce she just wants some space. For me i don't know what to do, part of me wants this and part of me thinks i need to be treated better. I just don't want to think, talk and worry about it. I need to keep doing what is right for me, I'm working on the steps. I'm on step 3 my sponsor has a good and simple way to get past this one. I need to ask my HP to help me not drink everyday and thank him every night. I still feel i need to have something good happen for me to really give it all over.I do feel like I'm trying to let go of more everyday and it makes me very cautious. I have become a planner in my new fond sobriety, no more flying by the seat of my pants.

I will always have hope for all that i love and that includes her. I want to be the best father to our son, i need to stay positive to stay on this path. I want to be the role model that i know our son needs.

108 days

Well it's Friday made it another long week in the ranch. I have been in a funk all week as you could tell from my last post. I guess i needed to complain a little, i had therapy today and she said to do what is best for me. It is very hard to think of my new life with out the person who was the center of it for so long. This is what she wants and i need to move on to keep busy and to not think about it or i will go crazy. I still need to workout it is such a stress reliever. I need to make as many meetings as i can. I need to finally be me and i know that I'm a good person who has made some big mistakes. I still need to find a part time job, be the best part time dad i can be. What ever happens i can handle it and stay true to myself that is all i can ask of me.

Things that make me HAPPY.
1. My son
2. Me
3. My support system
4. My choice to stay sober
5. My future

I have so much hope for the important people in my life.

105 days

I'm letting go of more of the need to control every aspect of my life. To leave some to chance and the HP but i need to see something good. I need something to show me what I'm doing is right and this is the right path. My life is f-ing crazy how do i keep doing the right thing. I still don't have the desire to drink but come on give me something to believe in other then myself. Show me that you are there and that you care. I can't do this all by myself the feeling of doubt and fear is all consuming. I want to believe but how can i when my world is falling apart. I have so much hope for me and the future but it is so hard to just follow something i have never believed in. My life sucks right now. How much more of a test do i need to go through, i just want to be loved. I want to feel that what I'm doing is right.

I know what I'm doing is the right thing for me and my son. I still have hope but i just don't know how much more i can take.

Monday

What is it about kicking your ass in the gym that feels so good. The pain the next day, the feeling of getting stronger. I think it is more mental the getting stronger part. Maybe it is the feeling of doing something good for yourself. I have been working out for a month and a half now and I'm really starting to see it payoff. My mind, body and soul feel so much better afterwards.

Well i don't have much else to say and there is a good football game on so see ya.

Saturday night

Well i hope the new year has been good to everyone so far. I'm still stuck in the same spot she still doesn't know what she wants. I'm moving forward in my life in so many positive ways. First no booze that is a good start, second i am only relying on me. I don't need someone to take care of me anymore, I'm a strong man who wants only the best for me and our son. I want to be judged by my actions not my words. I have stayed true to everything i have said in this relationship since i quit drinking. If she doesn't or chooses to notice then so be it. I know i hurt her a lot and i still kick my own ass every day for it. That is something i don't want to forget but to learn from. I know how to treat a partner and that is what i will do for her or someone else.
I still hope for the best for all that i love. I hope for the best man and father i can be. My son is the most important person in my life and he is all that i have right now. I'm a good man who has made a lot of bad choices and i don't want to be that bad man ever again to anyone.

100 DAYS

100 days and on January 1st, kind of weird how these events of days have landed. My longest sober streak came on my birthday December 6Th now 100 days on the new year. There must be something to all of this the way the timing and the days worked out. My life is so crazy the choices my whatever she is, is making makes my head spin. It turns with confusion and sadness at what she wants to become. I know i can't control her but what is she thinking. How will it impact my son with her new life choices. Wow is all i can say the yo-yo effect it has on us. Sunday i spent over at the house for dinner and we talked about making Sunday dinner something we want to continue. And maybe start to see each other once or twice through the week, to now she wants more space and doesn't want to see me at all. Just because i wouldn't watch our son on New Years Eve so she could go drinking with her friends. What ever happens i can handle it, i just want to be the REAL support system for our son. He knows that daddy loves him and will do anything for him. I feel so torn with what i want and what i should do. Part of me wants to help her get herself back together, the other and now the side that is winning says to run like hell. Do what is best for you and your son, i do think about her less every day but this still hurts.

I just want to be happy is that to much to ask for. I hope for the best but maybe the best is to run away from all of her craziness. I want our son to see and be the strong man that he will become because i am a good role model. A sober father who is full of love and hope for all things. A support of person, a caring person, a person he can turn to at any time.

I just want to be loved by someone and i know that it will happen on my new path. I still am full of hope for all that i love. Even though that is trying at times. I hope for a better me and a better father for my son.

I know that i have rambled a lot in this post and that the flow kind of sucks but that is where my head is at.