88 days

Well my friend Kevin came over to look at our house today. He says the updates look really good but i need to redo the main bathroom before we put it on the market. She still wants me to have the house and keep it for me and my son. Without lowering the payment there is no way i can afford it. She said lets go talk to the bank after the first of the year and see what we can do. We talked a lot about what we would of wanted if this would have worked out. We both want the same thing in a relationship to each have are own life's but to have a partner to do the same. There is just not enough trust in her for me to make this work. I can't blame her if i was still drinking it was nothing but empty promises. I have not made a single promise to her through this whole what ever. She said she is still on the fence and on one side is me and the other is all the fear and hurt i have caused. The fear and hurt has won and i accept that. I don't want to have any relationship with anyone like i had with her ever again. I don't want to hurt people or be that drunk a-hole anymore. This is my choice for the rest of my life and I'm proud of me. I haven't had that in a long time that pride. I still want the best for her and for everything she does but i am now on my own and it feels so good. I want to dream again and have fun with life. I want to do all the thing i have missed out on hiding in a bottle go hiking, camping, explore this world and travel. I want to meet new people and laugh again. I want to do all of this sober and to finally be the real me who is a kind, big hearted man. Who is not afraid of his feeling and doesn't mind to show them for better or worse.

I will always have hope for all that i love. I will always be there for my son. I will be the support she needs when she asks for it. I guess i just want to be the true person that i am.