Well this is the longest sobriety run i have ever been on. And today is my birthday I'm 36 years old and all alone ever since Thursday night. Happy Birthday i want a divorce. My birthday will always echo that. It feels that my heart has been shredded and pieces are flowing through my blood stream. So i guess the hurt has really set in. Why did i have to challenge her on my feelings even thought it has always been something she has wanted. The only parts of my heart still in place are for my son. At least i have him this weekend. I know i wont see my wife today and that crushes me in the most painful way. It feels like I'm dieing on the inside with only the light of my son guiding me. I still don't have the want to drink, she is not worth my new found sober life. That is so hard to say that my wife isn't worth something to me. I guess i should stop calling her my wife. I don't want this to end i know and she knows there is so much good in this relationship. She still said at dinner on Thursday that there is a big part of her that wants this to work. But it is just to hard and she doesn't have the energy for it. Everyday i wake up and replay all the bad things i have said or did to her. And i know I'm not that person anymore and i try to put it away in a room in my head. But every morning that room is open and those words and feelings flood my senses. The hurt i have caused in her and myself are almost unbearable. But life keeps coming and i do wake up everyday a little stronger because I'm not drinking. It is so hard to know that it took me getting healthy for her to leave. And i do hate that feeling.
I do hope that this could still work, i do hope she can learn to let things go. I hope only for the best for our son. All i can do is hope and let it go.
Things i love
1. my son
2. my support system
3. me
4. his smile and laugh
5. being sober
6. my wife
7. the happy feelings that are left of my time with her
8. her smile her laugh her big forgiving heart
9. being in her arms
10. my wife
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a mans new world of living with out alcohol
3 comments:
We have no idea what the future will bring us, yet I spend a lot of time thinking about what might be. Trying to stay in the here and now, one day at a time, is so important to me. Talking to my sponsor, talking to other members of the fellowship of AA, talking to new comers, all keep my head in the now.
Arriving early at meetings to make coffee, set up the chairs, got me to do things for others. I was a very egotistical man, still could be. It is all about me. Working the 12 steps revealed that to me and gave me tools to get out of that.
Glad your here, nice that your son is with you this weekend. I am making a living amends to my family. Each day, I try not to be about me but to be interested in their lives, to do things that are interesting to them. To be with them. For me, that can be hard to do, it's like work. But it's well worth it.
Guess what? Your belly button b day doesn't have to count anymore. Your new special day is your sobriety date. You got to choose that one anyway. Ditto what indistinct had to say. Those are the tools I have used too!
Fishstyx
P.S. For a frat boy you really turned out to be a good dad.
happy birthday! life is strange. no one knows where exactly we are heading. only, hopefully, towards something good. that part is steerable. things don't always make sense. nor do they go the way we want them to go. believe that this is all happening for a reason, which will be revealed to you at a later stage. you have your longest sobriety run on the go. you have your son's love. you have your new healthier life. you have many good things to work with. use them. and be proud of your achievement. it is a BIG achievement.
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