I'm letting go of more of the need to control every aspect of my life. To leave some to chance and the HP but i need to see something good. I need something to show me what I'm doing is right and this is the right path. My life is f-ing crazy how do i keep doing the right thing. I still don't have the desire to drink but come on give me something to believe in other then myself. Show me that you are there and that you care. I can't do this all by myself the feeling of doubt and fear is all consuming. I want to believe but how can i when my world is falling apart. I have so much hope for me and the future but it is so hard to just follow something i have never believed in. My life sucks right now. How much more of a test do i need to go through, i just want to be loved. I want to feel that what I'm doing is right.
I know what I'm doing is the right thing for me and my son. I still have hope but i just don't know how much more i can take.
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a mans new world of living with out alcohol
7 comments:
Awesome that you can share that. Really work the steps... start to love yourself. Your HP loves you even when you don't. I used to think that didn't matter. Then I realized, its the only thing that does. Once you get that, you get YOU, and you feel... like you know for the first time you're going to be ok. I promise. Just get through this, sober. Everything will fall into place. The promises... they are not Maybes. They are PROMISES.
Find what you are grateful for. Breath-in and breath out. Use all of your support systems. Remember this path is like eating an elephant--you can only do it one bite at a time.
Great Honesty.
For me, the changes never came fast enough. I was always harping at my sponsor, wanting to be like he was now. He told me, over and over, that time takes time, if I wanted what he has, i had to be willing to put in the same amount he had. He suggested I just live each day as they come, one day at a time. Do the work in front of me and be patient.
It is difficult, I've always wanted to self medicate when life became painful (an immediate result) and accepting life on life's terms could feel so crappy.
But it did get better. Much better.
Step 12 states that we get a spiritual awakening as a result of working the steps.
Keep on going, one day at a time.
find something that's YOURS. only yours. and work it. and see how it grows and improves. and that will breed belief in yourself and validate yourself. i started a blog, which, when i got to your stage i guess, changed to writing poetry. to fill a gap, to do something new, to see if i could. just one thing to consider. this thought process happened to me... life sucked but i was sober. so i though i'd drink. what then? the pleasure of drinking is gone. i have too muck knowledge to know it's an escape and fake to derive any pleasure from it. in fact, it would make me feel worse, guilty, and have to start at day 1 again, horror!!!!! so that means, i am lacking something. i learnt too that alcoholic ceased growing up at some stage. i.e. i had a lot of life skill catching up to do. and that includes finding out WHO YOU ARE and doing WHAT YOU LIKE. and once you figure that out, you will be fulfilled, have self-confidence, and can believe and trust yourself that you are on the right path. shit, sorry, this is way long...
I recall feeling like you do at 100+ days.
Hang in there and a big hug to you
Mary
The first year of recovery is hard. My wife said that her brain was scrambled. She went to a lot of meetings, talked to her sponsor. I worked the steps, went to meetings, volunteered for service work, found another great hobby, and got out of my head. It takes time. But I found that I could turn to my HP when things were bad or good. And I had a lot of gratitude. Hang in there.
Bro been there at 100 days and yesterday and today. I have been worse since my service position ended Jan 1. My self doubt and loathing has been a constant companion since service to others has not been as much a part of my daily life. Conclusion I have come to... service to others. It was the difference maker before I'm sure it will be again.
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