Tuesday, February 10, 2009
sleep
I'm so damn tired, the month of February i can never sleep. I have been this way since i was a kid. Hey it must be February because it's 2 in the morning and I'm wide awake. 140 days have passed since my last drink and i don't miss it at all. I still like going to the bars with my friends and hanging out. But the need to get trashed is no longer there or the need to puke out the window of a moving car. One of my friends was that drunk Saturday night of course it was funny but it made me very sad too. I was that guy who had to be the last one standing, to finish the last beer or keg. What a joke, i would love to sit down and talk to me when i was 28 right before i met my wife. To tell me what i will do and what i will lose if i keep drinking. Even then i would of been the tuff drunk and said something like "I can control it or that wont happen to me or beer isn't in control". How sad of a alcoholic was i living in denial and fear. If you take the beer away how can i let go and really be me. The letting go is the hard part the being me is the easy part. Even at the bar i can let go sober talk to people and be me now. What a great feeling it is. Things ended up getting very complected over the weekend she finally opened up. Told me stuff like she can't bring herself to file and she still loves me. The thing stopping her is fear of her past and a future with me. That is what my drinking has done, she said she wants to just talk right now. Be honest and really talk from the heart when we see each other on the phone and e-mail. The hard part for me is trusting her that this is not some trick. To help her move or to stop me from hanging out with this girl i met. She said the dating pool sucks and that there are not a lot of good men out there. Can i be the good man she needs do i want to be the good man she needs. Working my program tells me i can be the good man she needs i have found the real me through all of this. Happy, kind, loving, funny, helpful and respectful that is who i am. 180 degrees from the drunk i was, that's what alcohol took from me and turned me into.
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4 comments:
I hope that it works out. I remember being told not to make any drastic decisions my first year. I'm glad that I didn't.
can't sleep in february... damn that's tough. i sense something in you. a change. your insight, the way you've grown. don't know what. but something's changed. and it's good!
Wishing you some Zzzz's before the end of this month!
RC, First recognize you are exhausted. Second, make no decisions while exhausted. Third, if still exhausted, run it by your sponsor. Fourth, if she is talking, listen. Fifth, Whether she is telling the truth is not for you to judge, it is her truth. Sixth, remember your commitments. One to yourself, one to your boy, and one to your wife. Seventh, Be very aware of the enjoyment of hanging with people who get so drunk that it makes you sad. Pretty soon it will bite. Eighth, Remember we all love you no matter what, that includes her, and that there are no TRICKS! I know this sounds preachy, but I know that you are trying to protect yourself. I agree with Syd about the first year. I think that you are moving toward a very positive place with her and it doesn't have to be mucked up by legalities. She took a vow, you took a vow and maybe you both can learn from each other how to embrace the promised and the promises. Get some rest dear one!
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