155 days

Why is it when you get what you want, there has to be those weird silent moments. The living together thing has been very good, i have asked her if she is happy and she says yes. The getting use to each other can be a little straining at times. Like yesterday, trash goes out on Wednesday so i clean the house and get the trash out. For me this is very helpful because it is something i can control. I can see the clean house when I'm done and it feels good. For her it was me not spending time with her and our son. I don't get it i know we have to feel each other out again and see if we still fit. My ocd really kicks in around the house i need to have something i can control and a clean house is it for me. i don't think it is a bad thing. I cleaned yesterday so i can spend the whole night together with them tonight. The readjusting can be hard, i have stopped trying to guess what she is thinking and just ask her what is going on in her head. Sometimes it's a OK question the other times it feels like I'm bugging her. I am very happy we our trying to work things out and that i can't rush things. So i should stop complaining and just enjoy it.

5 Months Today

Today is five months with out booze. I hope the roller coaster that has been my life will settle down now. With some new turns of events, she and i are now living together again. We went on a date Saturday night and it just hasn't ended. We talked a lot about everything that night we even went to look at her new apartment. But for some reason that even we can't explain this just feels right. We took our son for a nice hike on Sunday just another of the many things i would not do when i was drinking. The hike was so much fun i do really like to hike but was just to lazy to do it when drinking. I set here lost in thought about all the things we have missed out on with my drinking controlling this marriage. Another thing to add to my list of things i wont let happen again. Banana girl tells me that a gratitude list is always a good thing to blog about so for her and me a short one.

1. Staying sober and getting all of my life back.
2. My family
3. Hope
4. The program
5. My higher power (it still fells a little weird to type that one)
6. My true spiritual and moral compass
7. My great support system
8. Having a secure job in this hard time
9. Love
10. The future

What day is today

Short weeks really screw with me. When i have Monday off i always feel a day late. Of course if i have a Friday off it is the longest week in the world. Glad i could make someone laugh with my adhd moment about soda. That was really going on in my head and i could not get anything else out if i didn't type it. The strange mind of a alkie and what is with my clean freak attitude now i have ocd as well. I guess i see to many pill ads on TV. Where was i? My week seems to be going way to fast or i'm just behind. That's where i was. My mind is just racing with hope, possibilities and some fear of the unknown. But I'm not in control anymore and i will go down any path laid out for me. So i just need to let it go. 148 days and counting i do love this being sober stuff.

Good morning

145 days and i survived Valentine's day, with a little twist. Let me explain, I over sleep and i missed my meeting. I have started to sleep better for me any way. My little dude and I went to watch a friends son play hockey by our house. The kid has mad skills and for only being in 8TH grade. Went to meet her to finish taxes, finished taxes. Then she caught me off guard and asked if i wanted to go to lunch, went to a really great place called Toast. She had banana fosters pancakes i had raspberry and white chocolate french toast it was a little slice of heaven. Then when we where leaving she again caught me off guard a asked if she could come back to the house. At first i was all nerves for some reason that's when i realized i was starting to take over. So i heard banana girl say just breath and my sponsor say when you feel like this turn it over. This feeling means that you are in charge and we both know you don't make the best life choices or you would not be here in AA. So i let it go and said that sounds great. We made it home and i tried to put my little man down for a nap i think he was just jazzed up because we where all together. So he didn't nap but played in his room. Then came the bombshell we where laying on the couch and she kissed me and said she has realized that it is her fear that is keeping us apart. The fear of me drinking, becoming a a-hole or abuse of. She realized if i start any of this again she can just leave and then end it. Then she said she wants to try again but at a slow pace. We both want more Independence and to be the people that we are. Two people who have individual goals to work towards but goals and dreams as a couple also. We both need the away time to be with our friends and do the things we like. Sorry i need a little Adhd moment here if you haven't tried the new cherry Dr. Pepper you should it rocks. Ok back to where i was going, we also need to set and work towards goals we set also.

She said what also helped change her mind was all the physical (I'm down 30lbs) and the emotional changes as well. I gave all the credit to the program without it i would be a lost soul. I know it is not all the program it's me working it and staying open and honest with myself about everything. Me being the real person who i am and that's what is really important.

sleep

I'm so damn tired, the month of February i can never sleep. I have been this way since i was a kid. Hey it must be February because it's 2 in the morning and I'm wide awake. 140 days have passed since my last drink and i don't miss it at all. I still like going to the bars with my friends and hanging out. But the need to get trashed is no longer there or the need to puke out the window of a moving car. One of my friends was that drunk Saturday night of course it was funny but it made me very sad too. I was that guy who had to be the last one standing, to finish the last beer or keg. What a joke, i would love to sit down and talk to me when i was 28 right before i met my wife. To tell me what i will do and what i will lose if i keep drinking. Even then i would of been the tuff drunk and said something like "I can control it or that wont happen to me or beer isn't in control". How sad of a alcoholic was i living in denial and fear. If you take the beer away how can i let go and really be me. The letting go is the hard part the being me is the easy part. Even at the bar i can let go sober talk to people and be me now. What a great feeling it is. Things ended up getting very complected over the weekend she finally opened up. Told me stuff like she can't bring herself to file and she still loves me. The thing stopping her is fear of her past and a future with me. That is what my drinking has done, she said she wants to just talk right now. Be honest and really talk from the heart when we see each other on the phone and e-mail. The hard part for me is trusting her that this is not some trick. To help her move or to stop me from hanging out with this girl i met. She said the dating pool sucks and that there are not a lot of good men out there. Can i be the good man she needs do i want to be the good man she needs. Working my program tells me i can be the good man she needs i have found the real me through all of this. Happy, kind, loving, funny, helpful and respectful that is who i am. 180 degrees from the drunk i was, that's what alcohol took from me and turned me into.

Saturday

Banana girl said in our home group this morning that it has been to long since i have done a gratitude list. So here it goes.

1. I'm truly happy that i don't drink anymore the pressure to be me through a chemical is over. I can be me with out it.
2. I'm grateful for all of the people in my life
3. I'm not kicking my ass over the past anymore.
4. For my son
5. Moving on with my life, even though this is the hardest thing i have had to do in my life is to let go of my first love.
6. My self respect, the feeling of pride in me.

For all the things i have lost from drinking, me and now her. I do have a lot of regrets all the words i have said to her in a drunken rage. When i was truly mad at myself for drinking and took it out on her. That is one i don't want to forget how i can hurt the ones i love including me by swimming in beer.

134

How do you tell a 3 1/2 year old why his mommy and daddy don't live together. We have been saying that we just don't play together. His new question WHY? It really caught me off guard for some reason tonight. I think it is because i really don't know what changed in her.